Clip on Stranger
by RoseandThorns
Summary: (First one-shot) James, Carlos and Logan are faced with the frightening possibility of a Big Time Rush without Kendall. Can Katie possibly be correct? Is Kendall really replacing them? Now a series of one shots centering on Kendall angst but the rest of the boys will be a big feature too.
1. Clip on Stranger

Clip on Stranger.

Big Time Rush.

James Diamond. 

_Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time rush._

"Are you guys seeing this?" I questioned in a bewildered whisper.

"I'm not seeing this. It's insane." Logan breathed.

Carlos smacked his helmet and rubbed his eyes. "It's actually happening. Kendall's a..._Goth_?!"

I had never seen this emotionally charged black clothed Kendall before. It was frightening and new and had thrown my world on its axis. How long had this been happening? Kendall's usually bright plaid shirts had been replaced with bleeding skulls. His jeans were impossibly dark and tight around his hips and thighs. The thick biker boots insured that we never missed his presence around us. But the one thing that captured my attention every time I looked at him was the ebony black his blonde hair had become.

Kendall stretched out on the orange couch, bobbing his head along to a song that I could hear screaming through his headphones; suddenly I was worried about his hearing. My remaining, unchanged friends and I hovered close together and tried to digest this new situation. Logan's eyes were wide and focused almost unblinkingly on our leader. Carlos' actually looked afraid of this stranger in Kendall's body. And I missed my reliable best friend who was my rock.

"So...what do we do?" I finally ventured.

"Maybe he's got Hollywood Fever." Carlos supplied.

"No, we were at the rink yesterday." Logan argued. "I...don't even know what to do."

"Perhaps we should talk to him?" Carlos inquired.

"Good idea!" I agreed "Go for it Logan!"

Our genius stepped forward one tiny step and tugged on Kendall's jeans. Jade green eyes snapped open in a silent question. Logan inched forward until he was perched on the couch beside Kendall's side. He reached forward and eased the headphones out of Kendall's ears gently. Kendall frowned but allowed his friend to take away his music.

"Something up Loganator?" Kendall asked, even his voice seemed deeper and older.

"Uhm...yeah...Kendall, the guys and I were talking and we're...a little concerned about you." Logan stammered and I wanted the ground to swallow me up. I thought Kendall was going to shut down on us but he only frowned and pushed himself up onto his elbows.

"Why?"

"Well...you know..."

"Uh...no I don't."

"The sudden black clothes. It's weird!" Carlos exploded suddenly.

Kendall's eyes jerked to ours and narrowed dangerously. I swallowed in response and Logan cowered back to my side.

" 'The sudden black clothes'?" He repeated slowly. "I've been wearing these clothes for weeks. You didn't notice?"

He suddenly sounded so hurt and disappointed that my heart dropped passed my feet and withered into ash. But I couldn't take back the words and I knew he hadn't lied. Kendall's eyes were venerable and pained, defiant and deadly.

"No...No, we didn't. Sorry Kendie." Logan apologised.

"Don't call me that." Kendall growled.

Logan squeaked and slapped his palms over his mouth loudly. Kendall rolled his eyes and pushed himself away from the couch. A spiked collar glittered in the light as he moved and a skull and cross bone earring dangled as he moved his head. This wasn't my Kendall, I couldn't see him in there.

"Whatever." Kendall rebelled. "I'm going to the pool."

He shoved ruthlessly past us and stomped across the floor and out of the door, it slammed moodily behind him.

I stared unbelievably at the empty space beside us and finally caught my breath. Outburst of anger really weren't that uncommon for Kendall but they were always provoked. We had done nothing to upset him in the few moments he had allowed us to talk to him. I turned to Logan in disbelief, silently begging for his help.

"I...a few weeks? We hadn't noticed?" Logan sounded horrified.

"We're terrible friends!" Carlos wailed.

I wandered over to the window and stared down at the pool, quickly locating Kendall on the deck chairs. His knees were pulled up to his chest, his face buried in them and he was ignoring Camille's worried words. He looked suddenly so small and I didn't know why. I was oddly angry with him, was it really so hard to tell us what was wrong? I suppose that had always been Kendall's greatest flaw. His inability to let others help him. He would bleed for one of us but never expected us to do the same for him.

"Something's really wrong, guys." I deduced.

"But what?"

"You guys are idiots." The sharp female voice of Katie rang out.

She looked like a tiny lioness, all bared teeth and spitting rage. An expression so often seen on her older brother but never on her. Once again I found myself shaking in the presence of a smaller Knight.

"What does that mean?" Logan sounded insulted.

"You've had three weeks to ask him about his clothes and why he's so upset and you only notice now! No wonder Kendall would rather be at the pool with The Jennifer's than you."

"That's not true! He hates The Jennifer's" I declared.

Katie scoffed and folded her arms across her chest. "I saw him hanging out with Jett yesterday. There were laughing! When was the last time you hung out together?"

"Last week!" Carlos exploded his answer.

"Really? What did you do?"

"I...erm..." Carlos looked to me for help.

"We didn't do anything last week. Or the week before." I finally answered.

"See!" Katie hissed. "I was kidding when I said I would take him to get new friends. But I think he's actually gone and done it. You've got no idea how close you are to losing him."

"New friends?!" I squeaked and threw a panicked glance back to Kendall outside.

Jett had appeared, lounging happily in a chair beside him, his head thrown back in laughter. Kendall was smiling, warmer and brighter than he had in a while. As I watched The Jennifer's sauntered past him and waved their manicured hands at Kendall, something Carlos hadn't been able to get them to do. Jett spoke again and I saw, broken heartedly, Kendall wrap his arms around his stomach and howl in laughter. The Jennifer's paused in their stride and looked back at him fondly.

I pulled away from the disturbing scene below me and sank to my knees on the carpet. It was unfathomable, Kendall willing leaving us, forsaking us. He had always been the one to hold us together, when we fought and screamed at each other he remained us we were best friends. Everything was wrong and the world felt odd. My heart was crumbling and crashing into small pieces around me and I was sure I could hear Logan's and Carlos' joining the wreckage.

"He's...replacing us." I uttered.

"NO! He wouldn't do that! Not Kendall!" Logan denied violently.

"He is. Think about it...we thought he hated Jett and The Jennifer's...now he's best friends with them."

Carlos lowered himself down beside me and buried his face in a stolen cushion from the couch.

"What will we do without him?" He asked in a tiny voice.

That was the biggest question I had. How would we function without Kendall? How could we live in the same apartment as him, knowing we hadn't been enough? Would he move out? Quit the band? Fly solo?

"We've got to get him back." Logan sobbed.

I reached up and pulled the tiny genius down to my side and tugged Carlos closer to me. Katie shuffled forward and curled her hands around my knees. I knew she wanted her older brother back.

"Why is he like this Katie?" I questioned.

She glanced down at her nails and bit her lip. "You hurt him." She whispered.

I died a little inside and the world fell away momentarily. Logan whimpered his denial and Carlos' frame shook, I hugged them tighter to me.

"How?"

"You stopped seeing me." Kendall answered.

We all glanced up at the striking boy in the doorway, the familiar stranger in the wrong clothes. Finally, I looked at Kendall, really looked and saw the dark bruises underneath his eyes and the grief that seemed to pull his shoulders down.

"It's that simple. You had other friends and I didn't. Not since Jo left." He explained. "I thought...maybe I should find someone who wanted me around."

"We want you around." I confessed.

Logan detangled himself from me and shot across the room. He collided with Kendall and wrapped his arms tightly around him. Surprise rippled across Kendall's face and his arms reacted awkwardly, finally curling around Logan's back.

"Don't leave us." Logan begged. "Please...we're sorry!"

"Logie...don't cry...please don't."

"You're leaving us! Stay with us." Logan wailed. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Don't replace us with Jett."

"Replace you? I'm not replacing anyone." Kendall denied and tried to pry Logan off him.

"Yes you are. I saw you, you're happy talking to Jett, aren't you?" I accused.

"Once you get passed the name calling, Jett's an OK guy. A bit obsessed with himself but everyone's got their quirks."

"So you are replacing us!" Carlos gasped.

Kendall's face dropped and his eyes glistened. "I'm only doing the same as you guys. You haven't been there and I missed you."

"We miss you." I breathed. "Our Kendall. Not this Goth."

Kendall raised one hand to drag it through his hair. "I thought you hated my outfits."

I shook my head. "No, they're you."

His mouth quirked into a small smile. "The jeans are a bit tight."

Logan giggled. "So...will you change back?"

"Suppose so."

Kendall eased away from Logan's grasp and stalked into his room. I bit my tongue and knew that really nothing had been fixed. When Kendall remerged he looked like himself but was still missing that spark in his eyes. The earring swayed from his ear, a disturbing remaindered that he still wasn't back yet. He sat down on the couch and picked up the remote without looking at any of us. I sat down beside him and pulled him into my arms. He didn't struggle against me, seeming willing to curl himself against my chest and hideaway his face. I couldn't remember the last time I had seen Kendall embrace comfort.

"What else did we do, Kenny?" I whispered.

Kendall stiffened and looked stubbornly away "Nothing."

"Don't do that, Kendall. Tell me."

"It's silly really. It's just...last week...Gustavo called me a worthless idiot...and you all agreed."

I could barely remember the comment that had chipped away at Kendall's heart. I pulled my brother closer to me and tried to squeeze out the hurt I had unknowingly inflicted on him.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it."

"But it had to have come from somewhere. You've hated me since we first came here."

"What? No I don't!"

"You said you did."

"When?"

"Back in Minnesota."

I had. Through hazy, angry memories I remembered saying those words to him and never apologising.

"I don't hate you. You are my best friend Kendall Knight. You're the reason we're here right now. So I suppose, what I really need to say is, thank you."

His head shot up so violently it startled me. "What?"

"Thank you Kendall for convincing Gustavo to let all of us come with you. I've never met another person like you. You were offered the chance for a solo career and you turned it down so you could bring three hockey players with you. We owe you everything."

"You owe me nothing." Kendall argued softly.

"We owe you e_verything_." I repeated. "You will never be a worthless idiot ever."

Kendall studied my face silently and then he smiled his golden smile and settled back into my arms. Logan curled into his side and Carlos rested back against his legs.

"You're welcome guys." He whispered and his hand reached up and pulled the earring away from the skin.

He offered it to me and I stared down at the magnet that had kept it held together.

"It was fake." I breathed in relief.

"Duh. The tattoo's enough."

That startled me. "What tattoo? Kendall?"

But the rebel just laughed and focused his attention on the television screen.


	2. Broken heart

Big Time Rush.

Broken heart.

Kendall.

"No no no, dogs!" Gustavo exclaimed and threw his headphones to the floor. "That was terrible!"

"It was Kendall." James accused and stabbed his fingertip into my shoulder.

Carlos nodded violently with his helmet clasped in his hands and for once Logan was silent. I knew that I wasn't singing right, my voice was wobbling and I couldn't find any passion to the song. My friends and my boss were happy to tear into me and leave me in fractured pieces on the floor. I dropped my gaze to my shoes and wrapped my arms around my shoulders in an attempt for comfort I wouldn't find around me.

"What was that Kendall? You sound like a strangled dog! Even James was better than you!" Gustavo screamed.

"Told you I was better than him." James agreed.

Better than me. Resenting me. Making sure I stayed on the ground when I tried to stand to meet them. I couldn't remember the exact moment when I looked up into their faces and saw strangers. They walked happily together as a trio and left me two paces behind and never allowed me to catch up. The weeks of arguments we had, petty jibes, stinging words and fists and no one thought to apologies to me.

"I-I'm sorry." I tried.

"Not good enough. You are awful dog! Why do I put up with you?"

"We wonder that too." James smirked.

"Guys." Kelly warned.

"I mean look at you!" My fat manager continued. "You're funny looking. You can't dance. You can't sing."

"And your hair sucks." James piped in.

There was betrayal and agony rippling through me and poking at my mind. Nobody noticed, they didn't stop to think that maybe I had emotions and that I wasn't standing strong. I glanced up at Gustavo, his eyes blown with aggravation and frustration with me. Kelly's eyebrows were drawn and sympathetic but she didn't really care. I sensed the animosity beside me, the jealously and the loathing. Why could I never be enough for them?

"Kendall?" Logan called my name and rested his hand on my arm.

There were suddenly too many people surrounding me, smothering me and pretending to care. I wrenched myself away from him and pressed the heels of my palms into my eyes.

"Let me out!" I begged

"Kendall, you OK?" Carlos asked softly.

"Let me out! Let me out!"

"James move!" Logan ordered.

There was a scuffling of shoes on the floor and the door thrown open, I threw myself toward the door. Hands reached out to grab my clothes but they found no real purchase on the fabric. I had to leave, had to think and try not to break down.

"Kendall Knight! Don't move another step!" Gustavo growled.

"Or what you'll fire me?" I snarled. "Try it."

"You're easily replaceable."

I flinched violently aware that his words hurt more than they should have. Horrified I felt tears start to sting my eyes and catch on my lashes. James' face dropped and he hurried toward me with pained eyes. I backed away from them, warding them away with my hands palms out. Logan looked worried beyond belief as he bit down on his lip. Carlos was fiddling with the straps of his helmet and begging me not to move further away from them.

"Don't do that." James pleaded.

"I can so easily find someone better looking than you. Someone who sounds better and follows orders." Gustavo smirked.

"Gustavo!" Kelly snapped. "He didn't mean that Kendall."

I looked up at James and saw everything in him that Gustavo wanted. Despite the pain inside me I smiled brokenly and bumped my fist against James' shoulder.

"Always wanted to be my replacement, didn't you? Be amazing."

"Kenny. What are you doing?" Logan whispered.

"You can have the best hits without me in them."

"NO!" Carlos cried and threw his arms around my neck.

I slipped his arms away from me and turned my back on them. James called out to me but there was nothing he could have said to stop me. I tried not to think about how badly I must have hurt them all.

The apartment was thankfully empty when I returned and hastily locked myself in the bathroom. They'd come back any moment, angry with me for ruining their dreams but all I could think about was how lonely I was even with them there. How I couldn't be the smartest, the prettiest or the cutest. I brought out the envy and the arguments in my friends. I didn't try hard enough to make us work yet somehow I'd given it my everything.

I wandered over to the mirror above the sink and stared into it. I had lost weight since coming here but my stomach stilled spilled over my jeans and bulged under my shirts. Nobody noticed when my meals became smaller and smaller. Jett had been right all those months ago, my face was weird and disproportioned. My nose was too long for my face and my cheeks to chubby and childlike. My hair cut was awful but at least it covered my monstrous eyebrows. I walked my fingers through my fringe and scraped it away from my forehead and cringed at what I found underneath it. An anguished cry escaped my throat and I slammed my fist into my glass reflection. Pain shot across my knuckles as skin tore and bone shuddered. Glass shards crashed loudly into the sink, some bloodstained but all as jagged as how I felt inside. I wanted to be enough but I didn't know how to be.

I heard the apartment door fly open and bang against the wall. Three pairs of feet thudded into the room. I felt my heart jump inside my chest and cringed on the floor beside the bathtub.

"He's in here. We need to find him and sort this out." Logan instructed.

"I don't even know what happened." James cried. "He was fine one minute the next crazy."

"James!" Logan hissed.

"Right. I'll check his room." James declared and I heard him run quickly.

I froze when someone jiggled the door handle. Stupidly I had managed to get myself trapped in the bathroom with one small window to escape from. I wasn't even sure I could fit through it.

"Kendall?" Carlos asked softly. "I know you're in there. Come out, we wanna talk."

"Buddy please." Logan pressed. "What happened?"

Before I knew it James was back and talking to me through the wood of the door. I kept stubbornly silent and ignored their calls.

"Kendall please, this is stupid. Let us in, we can help." Logan was ever logical but I didn't want logic.

"WHY WON'T YOU LET US IN?" James, always passionate but that was the last thing I needed.

"We could find Kendall some kittens." Carlos, sweet and innocent but he only ripped out my heart today.

A sob escaped my throat and my chest heaved even when I clamped my hands over my mouth. Now it sounded like they were throwing themselves at the door, kicking it and ramming at it.

"KENDALL! OPEN THE DOOR!" James screamed.

I promptly ignored him and the blood dripping sluggishly from my hand and clambered onto the lip of the bath and reached for the window.

"Carlos get your helmet. We're breaking down the door." James ordered.

"Right."

I flipped the lock on the window and pushed the panel open. Carlos was back and thudding against the door. Just as the door banged open I slipped out of the window and tore down the hall.

"DAMN IT KENDALL!"

I burst into the lobby with tears on my face and gasping for air. People stopped and stared at me and I rushed passed them nearly blinded.

"Hey, Kendall. K-Kendall?" Camille greeted. "Kendall!"

To stop and talk to her would give the others time to catch me and shred me even further apart. She tried to grab me but I ruthlessly shook her off and exploded out onto the pool. Katie was there; her eyes lit up when she saw me but soon faded as she took in my bloodshot eyes and pale face. She jumped down from the podium she was on and took small calculated steps toward me. For every one she took I backed further away and closer to the road.

"Ken?" She questioned with a tiny voice.

"Kendall!" Camille gasped.

I made no attempt to comfort them even as James, Logan and Carlos spilled out onto the patio with wide eyes.

"Buddy, please, calm down. You're hurt, let me look at it." Logan offered.

I snatched my throbbing hand to my chest and dashed away from them. They screamed out to me, their voices crashing around me but I couldn't help them. Not when anything made sense inside me and I had been tail spinning out of control for months. I vaulted over the back wall and dropped down onto the pavement. They wouldn't have been able to catch up to me even if they tried.

James

Kendall was gone within a heartbeat, barely disturbing the plants as he disappeared over the wall. Katie yelped as her big brother tore away from us hurt and upset for reasons we didn't know. Camille's hands were pressed over her mouth in shock. Logan and Carlos looked like they could hardly believe that our leader, our best friend was running away from us. It wasn't until my hands were buried in leaves and I was watching Kendall get smaller in the distance I realised I didn't know what to do.

"Did that really just happen?" Camille breathed.

"Where's he going?" Katie questioned.

"Call him. Someone call his phone." Logan ordered.

I scrambled through my pockets and pulled out my phone. Kendall was always number one on speed dial. The person I could call on no matter what was wrong and fix everything. But what happens when Kendall is the one who needs fixing? Then who do we turn too? Kendall wouldn't answer his phone, it kept ringing straight to answer phone. Finally I hung up with a sinking heart and stared hopelessly at my friends.

"What do we do?" I asked.

"This is all Gustavo's fault!" Carlos growled, injustice and pure anger for his friend rippling through his eyes.

"Why?" Katie snarled.

"He was being mean as usual and he seemed to focus everything on Kendall. James didn't help." Logan glared at me.

"What?" I squeaked.

"You kept saying you were better than him and you know as well as we do, you're not!"

"You really hurt him." Carlos agreed.

Sharp tiny knives stabbed into my heart, guilt trickled through me. I hadn't meant to hurt him, I didn't mean it. It was just banter the same as always. I'd never gone too far before but I suddenly realised I had. I had injured Kendall enough to make him leave and punch the mirror. I had shattered our leader. Now I had to be the one to fix him.

"We need to find Kendall. Spread out and meet back at the lobby in three hours." I ordered.

Anxious to find him, everyone obeyed.

Kendall. I am so sorry.

Three hours later and we were standing in the lobby without Kendall. Somehow he had evaded us and we had no idea where he was. His phone was switched off and no one had seen him. He could be anywhere and we might never find him. Everyone looked to me for guidance and suddenly I respected Kendall all the more. I understood the pressure and responsibility he must feel every time he looks at us. I sighed and shrugged.

"What else can we do tonight? We should go back to the Apartment; he might come back on his own." I suggested.

"And if he doesn't?" Katie questioned fearfully. "What if he's out there all night? He could get hurt."

"Kendall will be fine. He's strong."

"No he's not. He can't survive on the streets! We're gonna find him dead in the morning!" Camille exclaimed dramatically.

Katie's face paled and I felt my heart shudder. "No we won't. He'll come back soon. No matter how angry he is he can't leave us alone for long." I soothed.

"James you're a genius!" Logan grinned and turned for the elevator. "He probably came back hours ago while we were running around town. He's in the apartment!"

Please. Please. Please, Kendall, this once, be predictable.

We tore after Logan and pushed passed the crowd waiting for the elevator. I reached our door first and fumbled with the key until I got it in the lock. Nothing could have prepared me for Kendall's heart breaking sobs as he curled in the furthest corner of the couch.

"Camille, take Katie outside." Logan pushed them firmly out.

Together we stared at Kendall's pathetic form.

Kendall.

I pulled my legs closer to my chest when I heard them step toward me, covering more of my face and my shameful tears. I told myself I was ready for the sharp tongues and biting wit and every second that passed in silence only made me tense further. The solid chest I was suddenly pulled against startled me enough to make my breathing shudder. I struggled against the vice but my arms were pinned gently to my sides. There was suddenly a gentle hand in my own and a soft pressure on my knee.

"No more running away, Kendall. Talk to us." The chest underneath my head vibrated and I realised it was James holding me tightly.

I turned my head enough to see Logan's hand tight in my own and Carlos' hands curled around my knees. They both looked terrified and I didn't know why.

"Please." Logan pleaded.

"I'm sorry." I whispered. "I didn't mean to upset anyone."

James aimed a gentle swat at the back of my head. "We're not here because of that, well not only that. We're here because you're upset and you...ran away from us."

"I'm sorry."

Logan tugged on my hair. "Stop it. We don't want you to apologise, we want you to tell us what's wrong."

How could I tell them about every insecure whisper in my mind? The stomach fat? Terrible voice? Terrible personality? When they saw me like that and realised exactly who I was, they'd leave me behind them. Then I really would shatter and crumble without any hope of rescue. Now, in their arms I could pretend I could help myself. I clutched at James' arms when they shifted around me.

"N-No!" I cried, panicked that he was leaving. "Don't go!"

"Ssh! OK, I'm not. Don't worry Kenny."

His fingertips ran through my hair and down the side of my face. Carlos' fingers were clenching and unclenching against my knees and I looked down at him. His dark eyes were wide and fixed on my face but he beamed at me.

"We don't want James to be you." He declared. "We want you."

I swallowed around mucus and tears. "Why? I thought I was wrong?"

"Gustavo is a bastard but he didn't mean what he said, Kendall. He looked really upset when you walked out." Logan's voice was warm but I heard the steel in it.

"But it had to come from somewhere."

"What's this really about?" James asked.

I exploded away from them, wrenched their comforting arms away from me and posed in front of them. My eyes were wet and I couldn't stop the tears from escaping. My hand was bleeding and my hair was a mess.

"Look at me!" I screamed. "Don't you see? Gustavo was right, why would any band want THIS as a member, let alone its 'unofficial leader'? Have you seen me?"

They all seemed shocked into a silence, calculating how to tell me they agreed and had been waiting for my breakdown. I jabbed my fingertip into my stomach and pinched the flesh between my fingers.

"LOOK!"I cried and punched my fist into the fat.

James flinched and rose quickly to his feet. "You're having a confidence crisis? Really?"

He laughed. James opened his mouth and laughed at me. Even Logan and Carlos looked amused and not frustrated. But it meant a lot to me, my body and my looks. It was all I had going for me. If I didn't have my voice or my friends how else was I supposed to survive? I lashed out at the furniture around me and sent lamps, books, games and pens crashing down onto the floor.

"Kendall!" Someone gasped.

"I'm sorry."

I froze and span around to face them, wanting to know who had apologised and why. James stepped forward and took the games controller I had been about to throw out of my hands. I looked up at him for once begging someone else to fix it. He dragged me unresisting back to his chest and let me shelter in his arms, his hands back in my hair.

"I'm sorry." He repeated. "You've done so much for us and we didn't see. I hurt you, I didn't mean to but I understand that I have. I'm sorry."

"You never did that before. When you moved out, I apologised to everyone, begged on my knees for friendship again. And no one stopped to thank of tell me they were sorry. Why?"

"Because we're idiots. I'll say it now, Kendall Knight, we are so, so sorry about what happened. We'll spend the rest of our lives making it up to you." Logan murmured and he pressed his hand against my back.

"We realised something today, Kenny." Carlos whispered. "We're broken without you. You're the glue that keeps us whole and I guess we forgot that even you can come unstuck."

"We'll fix Gustavo. We'll make him stop saying those things to you." James vowed.

"Really?" I whispered

"We protect our own, huh? He won't know what's hit him."

I smiled against James' chest.

"Now, about that other thing." Logan spoke up suddenly. "We don't need another pretty boy in the band."

"That's good, because I'm not one." I hissed.

James tightened his arms around me and pressed his lips against my ear.

"You ARE beautiful, Kendall. Inside and out. Everyone sees that."

"But you don't." Logan sighed.

I didn't know how to see it when I saw a monster in the mirror every day. Not when I was a hideous shadow next to James. I protested quietly when James pulled away from me enough to look at my face. As soon as my eyes met his I glanced rebelliously at my feet and refused to look up.

"How have we done this to you?" James asked desperately and I heard the plea.

_Kendall, fix it._

I squared my shoulders and shrugged James' hands off me. The smile I flashed at them was a mockery but it was all I had. Logan looked wary of the smile, James' eyes were narrowed and even Carlos seemed concerned.

I laughed loudly. "Heh...ANYWAY, guys...uhm...sorry about that. I'm just going to bed now."

"Sure, Kendall. Whatever you say." Logan agreed.

I went to walk away from them, to lock myself in my room until I could find myself but I stopped and turned around. I saw them, Big Time Rush, saw frightened boys that had watched me shatter today and done their best to pick me up. They stood to attention but with a space at the middle for me. At the heart, protected but strong. Loved and cherished and wanted. They didn't want to watch me leave anymore than I did. My jaw dropped and my hands flew up to my face.

"I'm an idiot!" I gasped.

James nodded slightly. "You're our idiot."

Arms opened to embrace me when I ran into them and four more folded around my shoulders.

"I'm sorry." I mumbled into James' chest.

"No matter what happens, Kendall, you're ours. We don't want another leader and Gustavo can stuff it if he tries anything. See, that's the thing Kendall, we'd fall apart without you. Don't fade away on us." James whispered fiercely.

"I won't." I promised. "I'll be OK."


	3. Monster in disguise

A/N: I can't remember if Sahsa is the name of the girl Carlos falls for. Feel free to politely correct me if I'm wrong. Thank you for your support.

...

Big Time Rush.

Monster in disguise.

Carlos

"I hate all of your friends! I want you to spend time with me!" Sasha shrieked.

She sent Kendall crashing to the ground with a wild shove. I heard him grunt as he landed and I started to move toward him but Sasha gripped me tight. Shock rocketed through me but I folded my arms gently around her, smoothing down her wild curls.

"And you will." I promised. "Then you'll see what awesome people they are."

She tensed slightly but melted back into my hold. This girl could be the one who had always been hopelessly out of reach. The other half of my soul and I would have done anything to keep her. She'd learn to see my friends the way I did. Bright, loud and undeniably beautiful.

"Kendall?" Kelly asked softly.

She dropped her clipboard to the floor and left Gustavo's side, I thought I saw concern blaze in her dark eyes. I ripped myself away from Sasha and hurried around the white arm chair that had been knocked over. Kendall lay sprawled on the floor, his ankles tangled in the legs of the armchair. There was a raw cut above his left eye that leaked a crimson river down his cheek and he cradled his arm against his chest. I thudded to my knees beside him and tenderly scrapped his hair away from the cut. Pain filled, teary green eyes latched onto mine and his lower lip quivered.

"You hurt, Kenny?"

"I'm all right. Just a little shocked. Your girlfriend really doesn't like me." His voice wobbled occasionally. "Figures."

He tried to shuffle back to his feet but yelped and paled when he tried to straighten out his arm. I gathered him against my chest and tried to calm him down. I could feel his chest heaving with pained breaths. Kelly knelt down beside us and pressed a wadded tissue against the still bleeding head wound. The white turned crimson almost immediately and my heart lurched.

"Head's bleed a lot." Kelly reminded us. "It's probably not as bad as it looks."

"I'm so sorry, Kendall. I...I didn't think I pushed you that hard." Sasha whispered.

I could barely spare the girl that had injured Kendall a glance. He eyed her warily and offered her a tight smile. He flinched as Kelly took hold of the arm he protected fiercely from us. The concern in her eyes glowed brighter and I looked down to the swollen and bruised flesh.

"I think it's broken."

"Broken? No it's not! It doesn't even hurt anymore. It can't be broken."

Kendall started to panic in my arms, pushing against my chest and ripping his damaged wrist from Kelly's grasp. A agonised mewl escaped his mouth but he seemed focused on escaping us. His struggles dislodged the tissue Kelly held to his head and I watched the blood soaked fabric fall to the ground.

"Ssh, Kenny, calm down." I cooed against his messy hair. "Everything's all right."

"I don't want to go to the hospital, Carlos."

"Sweetheart, you have too. We need to get your arm x-rayed and I'm worried about your head. How did you cut it anyway?"

"Table."

I turned my head enough to look at the lethal table edge that Kendall must have hit on his way down. It looked cold and unforgiving and I knew the injury could have been so much worse. Kendall was still tense against me and drew back against my chest when Sasha moved toward him.

"I'm really sorry." She sobbed.

"It's all right." He smiled softly. "You didn't mean it."

Kendall's forgiveness broke my heart and I tilted my body to shield him from her. She didn't deserve the friendship Kendall would give her to keep me happy.

"I think you should leave." I hissed.

She nodded glumly. "Of course. I am sorry." She turned to Gustavo. "This is your fault!"

With a whirl of long hair, Sasha stormed out of the office and I thought there was a slight droop to her step. Kelly turned furious dark eyes to our Manger and to my astonishment, Gustavo looked unbelievably guilty.

"I told you this was a stupid idea!" Kelly hissed. "Did it actually help with anything? Congratulations, you got what you wanted, Kendall's hurt, Carlos' heart WILL be broken and do you really want to deal with an angry James and Logan?"

"N-No, this wasn't what I wanted." Gustavo insisted, his hands moving wildly in the air in time with his words. "But the song had to be perfect!"

Horror and disbelief started to settled in my gut and I whipped my head up to glare at the two adults.

"What song?" I asked softly.

" Carlos, sweetie, maybe it's best if we wait until we get Kendall to the hospital." Kelly tried desperately.

"What. Song?"

Gustavo opened his mouth to talk but a small hand snaked around my wrist and pulled my attention down. Kendall offered me a tiny smile that broke my heart all over again.

"It'll be all right, Carlitos." He reassured. "I hate to say this but Kelly's right; I think I need to go to the hospital."

"Oh, yeah! God, I'm so sorry Kendall, let me help buddy."

I slipped my hands underneath his arms and helped him gently to his feet. He hissed and clenched his jaw, nostrils flaring for a moment, I sheltered him against my side. His head still bled sluggishly and I had no idea how to look for a concussion. That was Logan's job and he didn't know Kendall had been hurt.

"Kelly can you call Logan and James and tell them to meet us at the hospital?" I asked.

"Gustavo will, I'm driving you to the hospital."

I beamed at her and gently led a stumbling Kendall out of Gustavo Rocque Records.

"CARLOS, CARLOS! WHERE IS HE? IS HE OK? HOW BADLY HURT IS HE? CARLOS, TELL ME!" I could hear James screaming from down the hallway.

I looked away from the toy horse I was swirling aimlessly in my hands, unimpressed by it to my two panicked friends. A sigh ripped from me and I lowered the figurine to the seat beside me. Instantly, Logan and James were crowded around me, their eyes wide with concern and fear.

"What happened?" Logan pressed gently.

"His arm is broken and his head was bleeding. No one seems to be too worried by it though. They're just putting a cast on his arm. Hey, maybe he'll let us sign it." I joked.

James' forehead wrinkled in confusion and he dropped down into a chair beside me, Logan flicked the horse onto the ground. I watched it bounce once and disappear underneath a small table.

"How did he get hurt?"

"Sasha pushed him. He fell."

"That...That...bitch!" James growled.

I buried my head in my hands and sobbed into them. "This is my fault. I knew something wasn't right with her but I didn't say anything. She doesn't like him. How can someone not like Kendall? He's amazing."

"Kendall probably doesn't care about what Sasha thinks, he'll pass this off as just another weird incident at Palms Wood. If you remember how amazing he is, he'll be fine." Logan grinned. "And he is. Isn't he?"

I nodded shyly and James whipped his head around so fast I was surprised he didn't lose it. But my smile faded slowly.

"I think Gustavo had something to do with it. Sasha and Kelly both said it was his fault."

My older, taller friends scowled dangerously and suddenly I felt sorry for the fat man.

"We'll deal with him later." James promised.

"That sounded like a threat, should I be worried?"

We all looked up at the sound of Kendall's voice and jumped to our feet. His arm was in a sling tight against his chest and there was a purple bruise across his forehead but he smiled at us. Curiosity was alight in his emerald eyes and he tilted his head slightly as he waited for our answer.

"No threats, buddy, just promises." James smiled.

"...Okayyy then. I'm ready to go home now."

He turned away from us to the exit but didn't get to far, I threw my arms around his middle and stopped his forward movement.

"I'm sorry, Kendie." I whispered into his back.

"Carlos..." He tried to turn back around to face me but I wouldn't let him. "Buddy, it's fine. Let me turn around." His hands gently warmed mine and slowly I complied. He span on his heel and beamed at me with forgiveness. "Everything's fine. I'll heal in a couple of weeks and we might even get time off! It wasn't your fault but your girlfriend is weird."

"She's not my girlfriend anymore."

Kendall's hand rested on my shoulder. "Don't let this break you two up. You like here and I'm OK."

I shook my head. "She hurt you."

Kendall sighed. "It's your call. Let's go home."

James hurried to Kendall's side and brushed his hand down Kendall's back, his eyes childishly wide and frightened. Kendall caught his fingertips and squeezed them in reassurance. Logan's hands landed briefly on Kendall's pulse point in his neck and some nasty emotion drained out of him. Kendall pressed his lips to Logan's forehead and smiled softly. Kendall had given all of us a fright today and reassured us in a way only he could.

"GUSTAVO!" James thundered.

Gustavo jumped as three of us prowled into the office. Kendall didn't know we were here, he was safely tucked up in bed.

"What are you doing here so late?" Gustavo barked.

"We know what you did." Logan growled.

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

James' fists landed on the table loudly. "Don't lie to us! Don't _ever_ play with my friends like this again. You're the reason Carlos' heart is broken and why Kendall's arm is in a cast!"

"You can't do it again." I hissed.

Gustavo nodded slowly. "And I thought Kendall was scary."

I grinned menacingly. "Oh he is, you're lucky he's not here right now. He's furious with you."

Logan's hand was suddenly on my shoulder, dragging me back and out of the record studio.

"Think he got the message?" Logan asked.

"No. But he will when Kendall's awake." James laughed.

"Can't wait for that."

My heart may have been a wreck on the ground and been grounded by Sasha's heels but Kendall was going to be fine. I could live without Sasha.


	4. The Hero's Keeper

A/N: Thank you so much for your review/favourites/author alerts, they mean so much to me. I love you all so much.

Just a quick word of caution: This one-shot is more gory that my other BTR stories and could be a sensitive issue to some people. Please don't be offended by anything, it isn't my intention.

I'm still open for suggestions.

...

Big Time Rush.

The Hero's Keeper.

Kendall.

"Hey Kendork." A loud, cocky voice sneered as I hurried through the Palms wood lobby.

I cringed and tried to dodge around Barry's much larger body. "Oh...hi Barry."

The bully cackled and blocked my escape route easily, throwing a muscled hand harshly against my chest. The impact made a hollow thud and momentarily scattered my breaths. I was beginning to regret my decision to walk through the empty lobby alone, especially when I knew Barry hated me for no reason. I could not work out what I had done to invoke his attention or venomous words.

"How you doing Blondie?"

"You know...school and the band and...stuff."

I tried to creep around him but his hand closed around my shoulder hard enough to make me yelp. Obediently, I stopped moving and cursed my sudden weakness against the bigger boy.

"Where are you going? I want to talk."

"James is waiting for me." I explained, even though I knew James was probably asleep, safe in his bed. Logan and Carlos would be too if they knew what was good for them.

"Ah yes, the Pretty boy. Wouldn't it be a shame if he suddenly wasn't pretty?"

I tensed and shrugged Barry's hand off my shoulder. My fear had slipped away, melted into a fiery rage, James had been threatened and I wouldn't stand for it.

"Don't you lay a hand on him." I growled.

"Or what? You forget Kendall I'm the one making the rules here. One of your little boyfriends could have a nasty fall tomorrow. You don't want that, do you?"

"...no...What do you want, Barry?"

Quicker than I could anticipate, I was on my knees clutching my stomach and trying to curl away from the pain that radiated throughout me. I had never been punched so hard by anyone before and I didn't know how to react to it. Tears born of pain and fear stung at my eyes but I stared rebelliously up at Barry's ugly features. Barry bent down, brushed his hand to close to the fly of my jeans and pulled my wallet from my pocket. I stayed cowered pathetically on the floor while he flipped through my wallet, pulled out the crumpled twenty dollar note and stuffed it in his pocket. A new, malicious light slipped into his eyes and he gently eased two treasured photographs out. One of me and Jo stretched out on a picnic basket the day before she left me and the other of Big Time Rush before we were famous.

"These mean a lot to you, don't they?"

I nodded wordlessly, my heart a lump in my throat and I couldn't look away from the fragile paper. The ripping of the photographs were loud in the air, I watched the pieces flutter to the floor by my hands in disbelief.

"Why did you do that?" I demanded shrilly.

"Because I can." I felt his large hand run through my hair, pulling on the strands at the nape of my neck and trailing down my throat. "You think you're somebody special because you're famous and the leader of BTR. But where are your friends now?"

"As far away from you as they can be." I growled.

Pain erupted across my cheek from Barry's expected punch. I rolled my tongue across my teeth and desperately tried to bite back my stubborn tears.

"Don't be rude Kendall." Barry patronised. "It's not nice."

"I won't apologise."

Barry's smile was wrong and twisted, his lips to close to my ear for comfort.

"You will." He promised.

He drove a forceful punch to the centre of my back and straightened up. He let me fall back down to the carpeted floor heavily and I know he enjoyed seeing my pain.

"Same time tomorrow, Kendall. Be here. It was nice talking to you buddy."

I lay on the floor and gasped, my face pressed against the remains of my photographs, in more pain than I had ever been in. I had no idea what to do, should I tell someone or keep it to myself, a shameful secret? How would the guys react if they could see me like this? Panting and hurt on a dirty floor. They would panic or worse laugh at me and I couldn't allow either scenario to happen. Tomorrow I would be prepared for Barry. I wouldn't be caught out again.

The apartment was predictably quiet as I eased open the door and let myself inside. The muscles of my stomach radiated fire and my jaw felt swollen and hideous. Without turning on the lights, I crept toward the bathroom and braved my reflection in the mirror. The small room was flooded with artificial light and I grimaced at the boy in the mirror. As I had thought, my jaw was bruised and would be undeniable come morning; it would be a mess of black and blue. My friends could be dense sometimes but they always noticed me. My pain would not go unnoticed neither would my inability to stop looking over my shoulder for Barry.

"You're really in a mess this time, Kendall. Let's see you get out of this one." I mocked myself.

I dabbed at my sore jaw with a flannel and cleaned the blood of my teeth that I hadn't noticed before. Inching my T-shirt up revealed to me the raw skin of my stomach and I hoped there were no internal injuries. I toyed with the idea of waking Logan and demanding he check out my injuries. But then James and Carlos would know and Barry would go after them. What about mum and Katie? They meant too much to me to be put at risk like that. I was strong and could handle anything that Barry threw at me, fists and all. Satisfied that I had done all I could for one night, I slunk into bed and pulled the blankets over my head.

"Good mor- Kendall! What happened to your face?!" James' exclamation greeted me early morning.

As I had anticipated, my jaw was an impressive collection of colours and my stomach screamed at me whenever I moved. James' mouth hung open and he threw himself away from his seat to gently grasp my chin in his hands.

"Nothing. James, I'm fine." I protested.

"Sure you are. LOGAN! KENDALL'S HURT!"

There was an impressive thump from upstairs and Logan hurtled down swirly with Carlos on his heels. They looked as horrified as James had done and I was insanely thankful they didn't know my stomach was cramping.

"What happened?" Logan demanded.

"I tripped. I'm such a clumsy idiot." I deflected.

James passed my face into Logan's and I squirmed under his gaze. His eyes were narrowed and his jaw set, my stomach dropped. Logan wanted to be a Doctor; he would know what a punch imprint looked like.

"You tripped?" He repeated.

"Yeah. Over a chair leg, hit my jaw on a table."

Logan let me go and I took a tiny step backward but from the suspicion on their faces it wasn't small enough. James actually walked closer to me, his eyes alight with concern. Guilt rocketed through me, they were worried and I was deliberately keeping them in the dark. I was a terrible friend.

"You're lying." James declared.

"I am not."

"We're your friends, Ken. What happened?"

I kept my eyes locked on James' and prayed he couldn't read me as well as he thought he could.

"I tripped."

"...Kendall..." Carlos started.

"Let it go, Carlitos." I begged softly. "I'm hungry. What's for breakfast?"

"Waffles." James offered hesitantly.

"Mmm, my favourite." I offered them all the biggest, brightest grin I could and wandered toward the kitchen.

They seated themselves on the chairs while I rooted through the cupboards and pulled out the pre-packaged waffles.

"You're not in trouble, are you Kendie?" Logan asked timidly.

I smiled at the tiny genius reassuringly. "I'm not, Logie. Everything's under control."

"Somehow...that doesn't comfort me." He deadpanned. "This is the third time this month you've come home with bruising."

I gave them a crooked smile and glanced for show at my watch. It was only 7:30 but my well thought out plan was starting to crack.

"You know what guys, I'm actually not hungry. I'll see you at school."

I grabbed my bag from the hallway and bolted out the door, pretending to be oblivious to their cries.

That was too close. I'm going to have to finish this tonight.

I felt like the worst person on earth all day, I avoided my best friends at lunch and refused to speak to them in class. I hid in the bathroom on breaks and on one occasion dove into an empty classroom to escape Camille. Her eyes were zipping quickly through the sea of students and she wasn't looking for Logan. He was walking along beside her, his face just as anxious and I knew without a doubt that they were hunting for me. My friends could be the ones to protect me and I knew it was foolish to run away from them. But I couldn't make myself turn to them for comfort and confess to the...bullying. I had only just been able to admit to myself that it was a problem and I was starting to get scared. My wallet had been stuffed in my locker, shredded and decorated with a brilliant red cross drawn on the material. I was thoroughly unnerved but determined to deal with it myself.

"Kendall Knight, don't take another step!" Camille barked.

Cursing myself for being distracted I paused midstride and turned around to smile at the actress.

"Hello Camille." I greeted. "Have a nice day?"

"No and do you know why?" I shook my head. "I have been walking around this school all day looking for you because Logan was nearly in tears this morning. I don't know what happened at breakfast but I have never seen him so upset. James looked like a kicked puppy and Carlos hasn't nearly injured himself all day. The only common factor in this mess is you. So I...what happened to your face?"

My hand leapt to cover the disfigured flesh and I squashed down my guilt at my friends reactions.

"I fell over."

"I don't believe you."

At that moment, Barry prowled past and patted my back firmly. The students parted like a wave and let Barry move through them. I pressed myself against a random locker and tried to put as much space between us as I possibly could.

"Hello Kendall." He smirked and disappeared down the hallway.

My mouth was dry and my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth, I couldn't have replied even if I wanted too.

"Kendall." Camille's voice was suddenly soft. "Is it Barry?"

"No." I squeaked. "Course not."

"Oh Ken. Why haven't you told them?"

I inched away from her. "Really Camille, I don't know what you're talking about. I barely even speak to Barry."

"Don't treat me like a fool. You need to tell them."

She made a grab for my arm but I danced away from her.

"I don't need to tell them anything. I'm fine."

I span on my heel and hurried away, shoving people out of my way in my haste. Camille followed me and with a burst of speed she wasn't expecting, I sprinted away from her.

I'm in over my head. Camille knows.

This had not been one of my brightest ideas I decided glumly as I waited in the dark lobby for Barry. The boys were asleep upstairs, or at least I hoped they were

"I'm glad to see you decided to come." Barry's smug voice was poisoned honey behind me.

"I want you to stop this. I haven't done anything to you. You have no right to do this to me." I hoped I sounded more confident that I felt.

A strange smile flickered onto Barry's face and he stalked closer to me.

"Now you decide to grow a pair." He smirked. "I can always turn my affection to one of the others. Little Logan maybe?"

"No! Stay away from him."

"Make me."

I forgot my bruised stomach and got lost in my anger. My hands reached for Barry's thick neck and I flung my smaller body at him. He roared underneath my weight and scratched at my face. He shoved me off him with a wild cry; I landed heavily on the ground and threw a wild kick toward his knees. He buckled sideways but managed to grab my waist as I tried to roll away from him.

"Get off me!" I screamed.

My shoe connected with his nose and blood gushed down on to the white material. He swiped his fist into my gut again and I tumbled to the ground, gritting my teeth as my elbow struck the floor first. Pain fizzed up my arm and left my fingers numb for a moment too soon. Barry straddled my waist, taking advantage of my daze and allowed his fist to collide with my face, my lip tore open and blood oozed down my chin.

"Think you're so tough now?! Do you? I'll destroy you."

Barry did look like something out of a nightmare with a crooked, bloody nose and wild hair. I was caught in a hazy world, not quite linked to reality but feeling his crushing weight against my chest. I kicked my legs wildly, my heart beating out a painfully panicked beat in my chest. I had sealed my own fate; my friends didn't know I needed them. Heavy blows rained down onto my chest and I snarled my rage.

"GET OFF!"

"No going to happen. I warned you, didn't I? What would happen if you messed with me?"

"You're insane!"

Trapped underneath his weight, I could do nothing to protect myself against Barry's unforgiving blows. It was a last desperate attempt to save myself that made me open my mouth and scream.

"JAMES! HELP!"

"Shut up!" Barry demanded and slammed my head against the floor.

Stars started to dance in front of my eyes and I forgot how to breathe for a while. I stared up at the ceiling light blankly and it distorted through my tears. I felt Barry's weight shift down on my legs and his hands fumbled through my pockets again. I was humiliated and hurting and just wanted my friends. Barry patted my head and spat on my face.

"Pathetic."

"Hey! Get away from him!" A voice that sounded like James thundered suddenly.

With rasping breaths and agony setting my veins on fire, I turned my head toward the elevator and could make out three silhouettes in the light.

My saviours.

Barry swore and for a heart stopping moment I thought he was going to attack them. But he lumbered out of Palms Wood until I couldn't see him anymore. My eyes slipped shut and I wanted to sleep and forget this horrible nightmare.

"No, don't close your eyes Kendall. Wake up, buddy." Logan coaxed.

I heard the terror in his voice that he was making no attempt to hide and sobbing breaths that weren't my own beside my ear. I forced my eyes opened and smiled weakly at my best friends and wished I hadn't put them through this. James lifted my head onto his lap and did his best to wipe away the blood that must have been clinging to my skin. He didn't seem to care that his favourite cardigan was now probably ruined. His fingers were soothing against my forehead even though I could feel them trembling.

"I'm all...right." I stammered.

"Don't talk buddy. There's an ambulance coming." Logan promised.

He curled himself against my side and squeezed my injured hand, running his fingers across swollen knuckles. Carlos sniffed on my other side and dusted his hands underneath my eyes and it took me until then to realise that I had started to weep. Because I was hurting and I was scared.

"You're going to be OK, Kenny." James vowed.

"I know."

Despite their wishes and knowing it would terrify them, my eyes closed and I slipped into unconsciousness.

James.

I've seen Kendall hurt more times than I would like to admit. I've seen him crash from a tree and break his arm in two places. I was there when he nearly split his head in two out on the ice and it was stained red. But every time he always laughed it off and was up and walking around five minutes later, ignoring us whenever we told him to rest. But nothing could have prepared me for tonight. I would rather have suffered hell a million times over than witness this night again.

Kendall looked so limp and lifeless underneath Barry's much larger body. For a world shattering moment I was sure he wasn't breathing, that some bully had stolen away my best friend. Then Barry spat on him, dared to degrade Kendall that much. I rushed toward him, Logan and Carlos barely a step behind me but Barry was a wimp and he disappeared out of the door. But he wasn't important, only Kendall was. And he wasn't moving.

"KENDALL!" I screamed.

I thudded to my knees beside him and fluttered my hands uselessly over him. His face was a mess of blood and tears, I didn't want to touch him in case I hurt him even more. His eyes fluttered open briefly and shut just as fast.

"No, don't close your eyes. Wake up buddy." Logan tapped Kendall's face gently.

Kendall's foggy green eyes snapped open and focused on me, his body was tense. I eased his torso onto my lap and walked my fingertips through his hair, thankfully he relaxed. Carlos hung up his phone and nodded to Logan before kneeling down beside our broken blonde. He looked shattered and I wanted so badly to fix him but I didn't know how to hold the pieces together.

"Kendall? Kendall!" Logan shrieked.

I looked down at Kendall and my heart stopped. Kendall's eye had slipped shut and he wasn't responding to our frantic pleads. Logan pressed his fingertips to Kendall's jugular and let out a breath of relief.

"He's unconscious."

"Where's that ambulance?" I asked frantically.

"They'll be here soon."

"What the hell happened tonight?" Carlos' swear took me by surprise but I couldn't blame him.

"Only Kendall knows that." Logan offered.

Blue lights and wailing sirens flooded our frightened conversation and two paramedics pushed me away from Kendall.

"He was in a fight." Logan explained. "He lost consciousness about two minutes ago."

The female paramedic pressed a stethoscope to Kendall's chest and checked his pulse in the same way Logan had. She spoke a series of hurried numbers to her partner and then they were easing Kendall onto a stretcher and whisking him away from us. Logan, Carlos and I huddled together in our pyjamas, leaderless and frightened. Our rock had been shattered and we hadn't been there to help.

"Come on. We should get changed and then we can get to the hospital." I whispered eventually.

"He's a lucky lad, boys. If the attack had gone on any longer he might not have made it. He's got a few bruised ribs and a broken nose. He'll be sore and stiff for a while but he will recover." Doctor Leroy reassured us.

I could only imagine how we looked, three crying boys wearing mismatched clothes and with messy hair. We had been here for hours and with each moment that passed I had been sure than Kendall was dying. But now I had facts and I knew he wasn't. I dropped my head into my hands and let out a shaky breath.

"Thank you. Thank you." My gratitude was to a God I didn't believe in but had asked to keep Kendall here by my side.

"Can we see him?" Logan asked.

Doctor Leroy nodded and smiled. "Sure. He's asleep right now so try not to wake him up. If he's in any pain buzz for a nurse. Don't worry boys, I promise he'll be fine."

"Thanks doctor." I shook the man's hands and hurried down the corridor toward Kendall's room.

He looked like himself now, with the blood washed away and his lip cleaned. Yes, his nose was a swollen mess and crazy colours and he had a black eye. But he was back and I knew he wasn't going to die for a long time. Now I could interrogate him and find out what had happened that I had missed. Logan curled up in the chair beside his bed, Carlos sprawled out by Kendall's feet and I perched by his side in the bed. I couldn't stop my hand reaching out a swiping his hair tenderly away from his eyes. My touch woke him and he blinked sleepily up at us before offering us a sloppy smile.

"Hi guys." He mumbled.

"Hey Kendie. You gave us such a scare." Logan beamed softly.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean too."

Carlos smiled goofily and rested his hand on Kendall's leg. Kendall looked down and winked at him playfully.

"Don't do that to me again, Ken." I admonished.

Kendall bumped his hand against my leg and looked guiltier that I had ever known him too. He looked too much like a scolded child and I squeezed his hand to take away the sting from my words.

"I am sorry, Jamie. I thought I could handle him."

"What happened?"

Kendall huffed a breath and darted his eyes toward the door before bringing them back to me. He was ashamed and I shook my head at him, silently urging him to tell.

"Barry's been on my case for a few months." He confessed.

"A few months! Why didn't you say anything?"

"He said he'd hurt you guy if I did. I didn't want you to get hurt."

I pressed the heels of my hands against my eyes in frustration. Kendall's greatest flaw had kicked in again and he had been harmed as a result. One day he would understand that when he got hurt we suffered worse than any physical wound. It didn't matter how much we told him that, it never seemed to click into his head.

"We've told you a thousand times, Ken. If someone threatens you, upsets you, hurts you or just plain annoys you, you tell _us._ You don't keep it hidden from us and hope it goes away. Don't hide when you're hurt. Don't lie to us; yes we know you did at breakfast yesterday. And you defiantly don't keep that you're being bullied a secret. Understand?"

Kendall's eyes were moist and tears were clinging to his lashes, my argument ran out of steam. He rolled himself onto my lap and clutched at my waist, pushing his nose into my gut. Carlos followed him and pressed his hand to the small of Kendall's back, Logan was poised by our side, ready to leap into action. I carded my fingers through the soft blonde strands and walked my fingers down his spine.

"You're OK, Kendall. We've got you."

"I was so scared." He confessed. "I didn't think you were coming."

"Buddy, we heard you call. We came as soon as we could."

"I'm sorry I frightened you. I'm sorry I lied."

"We understand, Ken. We really do. You aren't alone, no matter what you think. We've got your back. We won't let you down."

Kendall nodded against my hip and snuffled softly.

"We love you Kendie." Logan mumbled, bending down to press his lips against the blonde head.

I bit back the tears that had threatened to overwhelm me and gathered our precious blonde closer to my chest. I would keep him safe until he felt strong enough to reclaim his place at our centre as our foundation.


	5. Swear you're not dead

A/N:

Thank you for your fantastic reviews, they mean so much. I love you guys.

...

Big Time Rush.

Swear you're not dead.

Carlos.

Barry raised a crimson, blood dripping fist and turned to us with inhuman rage in his eyes. He smirked and unleashed his knuckles into the body below him. The boy whimpered and jerked between Barry's legs, his feet kicking out uselessly at the air. I recognised the white sneakers I could see, the distinctive blue laces. I crept around Barry and knelt down by the boy's head. My heart stuttered and died, Kendall stared up pleadingly at me. He was a bloody mess, his nose crooked and his cheek mashed up.

"Kenny?" I whispered.

Barry's thick, meaty hands wrapped around Kendall's delicate throat and squeezed. My blonde friend gasped and tried desperately to fight away the attacker. I launched myself at Barry but my attack was useless and Barry didn't bat an eyelid at me. Kendall was chocking and turning red beneath Barry's tight grip.

"Stop! You'll kill him!" I screamed.

"That's the point."

"No you can't! Kendall!"

"You'll pay for stopping me last time." Barry screamed.

Kendall shuddered and chocked violently and suddenly went still. Barry laughed and pulled himself away from Kendall's body. He made sure his foot connected with Kendall's ribs as he walked away and faded into the darkness. I crawled toward Kendall and my breaths caught in my throat. His wide, jade eyes were focused on the ceiling, empty and terrifyingly far away.

"Kendall?" I whispered.

He didn't respond to me, he didn't even blink and poisoned ice was starting to settle in my gut. He wasn't breathing. I gathered him against my chest, sheltering him from everyone around him and the threat of Barry's return. He was limp like a doll against me, his head lolling back and his fingers dragging across the floor. I tried to support him, cradle his neck so that he could breathe. My fingertips traced his features, the strong nose and chiselled jaw. I shook him harshly and banged my hand against his chest, my eyes stinging with tears that couldn't be held back.

"C'mon, Kendall. Don't do this buddy. Wake up."

I chocked on a sob and slapped my hand against his cheek, trying to shock him back into life. I couldn't function without him none of us could. I pressed my face against his chest and wailed.

"I'm so sorry boys, Kendall didn't make it. He's gone." The sympathetic Doctor Leroy whispered.

"No. You're wrong. KENDALL! KENDALL PLEASE!"

...

"KENDALL!"

"Carlos! Wake up buddy, you're dreaming!"

I bolted upright with a scream still on my lips and tears streaming down my cheeks. My blankets were tangled around my waist and I was damp with sweat. James' hands were pressed against my shoulders, his eyes wide and frightened in the light that had just been snapped on. I wanted Kendall, only he could make everything all right again.

"Where's Kendall?" I asked.

"He's sleeping. You want me to get him?"

I nodded weakly and pulled my legs up to my chest and buried my nose into my knees. The bedroom door clicked open as James tore away and hurried toward Logan and Kendall's room. The dream had been so real, Kendall lying dead and bleeding in my arms. The shocking emptiness inside my chest at the thought of a life without him.

"Carlos? You OK?" Kendall asked.

My gaze leaped up from my knees and latched onto Kendall's face. I reached out for him, holding my arms out like a child, begging for comfort and reassurance from my brother. Kendall crossed the room instantly and folded himself down onto the bed beside me. There was still a faint blue bruise on his nose and around his eyes and his knuckles were still slightly red but he was healthy and happy. His hair was tangled and there was a wrinkle on his cheek from the pillow. He was wearing chequered pyjamas and mismatched socks and I couldn't tear my eyes away from the steady rise and fall of his chest.

"What happened Carlitos? James said you wanted me."

He threaded his hand through my hair and curled it around the back of my neck. I fell against him and curled up on his lap, clutching at his shirt and drew him toward me. He would never know what it felt like to hear his heart beat and to see him blink.

"Don't die, Kenny." I begged.

His grip tightened around me and I felt him frown against my forehead.

"I'm not dying anytime soon. What's brought this on? Did you have a nightmare?" I nodded and scrubbed my tears away harshly. "What happened in your dream?"

"B-Barry came back." I pretended to ignore the way Kendall tensed and growled. "He wouldn't stop h-hitting you and you weren't breathing or blinking and you didn't come back."

"Ssh. Barry won't come back anymore. Remember? He got kicked out of Palms Wood last week. I'm fine. I won't die on you anytime soon."

"You can't promise that. Barry could come back tomorrow or when we're sleeping and hurt you. Kendall, you can't die, please. You need to stay safe."

"He won't. He can't get in the apartment."

"But he might. You can't walk through the lobby anymore! You need to always have someone with you always. Keep your phone on you and tell us if you're going to leave the apartment AND we want hourly updates."

"Carlos!" Kendall pulled my chin up and glared playfully at me. "Give me space to breathe. I won't take any more risks and I will tell you if anything happens to me but you can't stop me from living."

But I wanted too. I wanted to wrap him in a bubble and lock him in the apartment so he couldn't be hurt or die. So that no one in the world could take him away or make him cry again. I saw the same thoughts in James and Logan's eyes whenever I looked at them and they were fretting over Kendall. Countless time in the last two weeks I had met them in the dead of night in Kendall's room at his bedside, watching him sleep. I don't think he knew how frightened we all were. How every time we closed our eyes we could still see him bleeding on the floor.

"Humour us." I pleaded. "Just for a while. You don't know what this has done too us. Please, just for a few weeks. We need to know you're safe."

Kendall bit his lip and looked indecisive for a heartbeat and his eyes leaped to the closed bedroom door.

"You all feel this way?"

"Yes."

"James, Logan, come inside, you don't need to hide outside the door. Talk to me." Kendall called.

To my amusement the door did slowly open and two sheepish boys eased inside. James's hair was a tangled mess and Logan was clutching at a pillow. My fright was reflected in their eyes and they eagerly obeyed Kendall when he beckoned them forward. We curled up in front of Kendall, staring into his eyes and begging him for the answers. Kendall sighed and rubbed at his temple.

"You all want me to take insane precautions and not walk through the lobby at night?"

"We do." James agreed.

"I didn't mean to frighten you all so much but I will. For a little while anyway. But I draw the line at hourly updates."

"Kendie." Logan started. "I need you to be honest with me. Are you still being bullied?"

Kendall straightened and locked his burning emerald gaze onto all of us, burning into our eyes in a way that only he could.

"I'm not. I promise."

James reached out and latched onto Kendall's chin like he had done two weeks ago and stared into Kendall's face. I could see honesty and sincerity in his eyes and he let James manhandle him.

"I believe you." James concluded.

"Oh! We've got something for you." Logan gasped suddenly and scrambled of the bed.

A smile threatened to explode on my face and one had already snaked onto James'. Kendall stared at us with confused amusement and punched his hand lightly against my shoulder.

"What's going on, guys?" He questioned.

"Ssh!" I shushed.

James crawled behind Kendall and slapped his hands over the blonde's eyes. Kendall relaxed into James' hold and pouted slightly.

"James!" He whined. "How old are we?"

"Quiet, Kendall. Logan, hurry up!"

Kendall giggled and cleared his throat the moment he realised the noise he had made. Kendall was one in a million and something to be treasured. Logan bounded back into the bedroom and reclaimed his place in front of Kendall. He pushed the wrapped box into Kendall's hands and nodded at James. James slipped his hands away from Kendall's eyes and leant back against the wall to watch Kendall's reaction. With a small, excited smile on his face, Kendall picked up the box and shook it. I rolled my eyes and heard Logan huff. I knew Kendall was playing for us, trying to get us to laugh and it was working.

"Open it already, Ken!" James ordered.

Kendall obeyed and ripped of the black tissue paper. Shock flickered onto his face when he stared into the box, his mouth hung open for a moment.

"Guys...I...don't know what to say."

He carefully reached in and lifted out the new leather wallet like it was made of glass. The wallet was better quality that the last battered one he carried around with him. It had probably cost more than double as the old one as well. But the happiness on his face was worth it.

"Look inside." Logan urged.

Wordlessly Kendall did and he gasped and raised a shaky hand to his mouth. We had managed to replace to two pictures Barry had destroyed, they may not be perfect but they were the best we could find. One of him and Jo taken by Logan without their knowledge, Kendall's eyes a light with happiness with Jo curled against his side, a content smile on her face. It was the same day as the photograph Kendall had lost and they were both stretched out on the blanket. The other one was at one of our hockey games, our arms thrown around Kendall in pride and praise. He had just scored for us and one the game.

"Thank you." Kendall breathed.

He pressed his lips to each of our foreheads and smiled. Our big brother was happy and safe. Bullies beware. You won't get Kendall again.


	6. Homework from hell

Thank you for the wonderful reviews/favourites/authors alerts.

Big Time Rush

Homework from Hell.

Logan.

The pile of untouched essays and projects remained dismally long. The clock was stretching past one in the morning and the apartment was silent and lonely. I sighed quietly and pulled the science paper toward me and stared blankly down at the text on the page, knowing it should mean something but unable to decipher it. They were just black squiggles on a white background, indistinguishable and frustrating. Bitter, angry tears started to build in my throat and fill the space behind my eyes. I was so tired but I couldn't stop. The others had. James and Carlos' homework was lying abandoned on the kitchen counter incomplete though some had sneaked into my pile. Even Kendall had given up an hour ago and headed to bed, dragging his feet. I wanted to follow them all to sleep but I couldn't shake the need to finish everything. I was going to fail school. Get terrible grades and have no future. Big Time Rush was fantastic and better than anything I had ever dreamed but it couldn't last forever. I let my head fall through my hands and land on the table with a loud, dull thud and relished the burst of pain that followed.

"Uh...you OK, Logan?"

At the bemusement in Kendall's voice I looked up, surprised to see my blonde friend standing in the doorway.

"I'm going to die." I declared.

Amusement flicked through Kendall's green eyes and he leant casually against the wall, looking oddly boyish in sweat pants and a faded grey T-Shirt.

"That's a bit dramatic? What's wrong?"

"My life is over! I'm going to fail everything."

Kendall nodded and swept his hair away from his eyes.

"Why?"

"Why?" I repeated incredulously. "Why? Because I have five essays to finish and two book reports."

"So do them tomorrow." Kendall shrugged. "They'll still be there."

"Do them tomorrow. Tomorrow isn't soon enough! They need to be in soon or I don't get the grade and I'll never become a Doctor and I'll be flipping burgers for the rest of my life until I die penniless in some old house watching James singing every night or Carlos saving the world or you being amazing at hockey or-."

Kendall's hands came down on my shoulders and cut off my rant."LOGAN! Breathe, idiot." I let a long gust of air burst from my lungs and sucked another mouthful in. Kendall smiled softly. "Better. Now explain to be what the problem is."

He guided us both away from my stacks of books and paper and forced me to sit down on the orange couch. I tucked my knees under my chin and pressed the palms of my hands into my eye sockets.

"Talk to me, Logie." Kendall urged.

"I've got so much work to do and I can't get it all done tonight. It's too much with the band and everything."

"You've never had this problem before. How long has this been happening?"

I fidgeted slightly. "About three months."

Kendall stiffed beside me and leant backward away from me. I kept my eyes fixed on my knees and couldn't look at him out of shame and embarrassment.

"Why didn't you come to me sooner?" He finally asked.

"I thought you'd...you know...tease me."

Kendall gasped and I knew I'd hurt him, wounded him badly. My eyes leaped to his and my hands locked around his wrists. Surprise coloured his face, either at my words or my actions, I didn't know, I just had to stop him leaving.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it." I hastily apologised. "Kendie."

"Easy Loges, it's all right buddy." Kendall soothed and smiled warmly. "I know you didn't, I'm not cross. I am a little concerned that you think I'm going to start teasing you for having problems. You know I won't."

"I know."

"Good. Now, we can ask Gustavo for more time off and we can ask for less homework for a while. Ah, don't argue with me Logan! Nothing is worth you working until one in the morning on homework that isn't necessary. Now let's see what you've got left."

Kendall pushed himself away from the couch and stalked across the room toward the table. He bent over the notes and books and riffled through them. He took care and kept them in the same piles I had organised them into and didn't muddle them.

"Hang on a minute." He frowned and stared at the pages harder. "This is Carlos' homework and James' math sheets." He turned to me with a furrow on his forehead. "Are you doing their work for them buddy?"

"Uhm...yeah?"

"Well, now I know why Carlos is getting Bs all of a sudden. You can't keep doing this Logan; it's not good for you or them."

"But they'll fail otherwise."

"It might be the kick they need. Please, stop doing their homework. OK?"

Hesitantly I agreed and it was worth it to see the blooming smile on Kendall's face. A yawn stretched my mouth wide and Kendall giggled loudly.

"You're going to bed, Logan. No arguments."

"Kendie, my homework."

He held up the science paper. "This doesn't need to be in until next week." An English assignment was waggled in the air. "Friday. Math homework, two weeks from tomorrow. The only thing that needs to be in tomorrow is the French Verbs and you've done it."

I stared hopefully up at him and couldn't hold back my grin. "Really?"

"Really. Go to bed."

I bounded toward him and threw my arms around his neck and squeezed him tight. He laughed softly in my ear and returned the embrace.

"Thank you." I whispered.

I felt him smile against my cheek. "Next time you have a problem, talk to me."

"I will. Love you, Kendie."

"I love you too, you weird person."


	7. Far away

Big Time Rush.

Far away.

James.

"Come on guys, it's not forever, just a week. Don't look at me like that. It's not fair. Guys, please." It wasn't often we made Kendall beg and spark him to ramble on at us. But it wasn't everyday he left us alone for a week.

"Just don't go. Stay with us." Logan pleaded.

I nodded wildly and glanced past the blonde boy to where Carlos had positioned himself by the front door. The theory was that Kendall would never be able to push Carlos physically out of the way, so he wouldn't leave. It sounded possible but Kendall had that determined gleam in his eyes and he wouldn't back down easily. Kendall puffed out his cheeks and folded his arms across his chest.

"I can't. The sooner you guys let me go the sooner I can come back." He tried but was only met with disbelieving stares. "It's not my fault! I want to see my Grandma again."

"You want to leave us?" Carlos whimpered.

Kendall's eyes widened and he span around to Carlos and eased the boy into his arms. Carlos clung to him, fists clenching the chequered fabric of Kendall's shirt.

"I don't want to leave you, buddy. You know that. But I haven't seen my Grandma since we moved here and I miss her. I miss Minnesota."

"You'll come back?" The second the words were out of my mouth I wanted to reach out and snatch them back again. Kendall's jade eyes latched onto mine with bewilderment. Embarrassed by my sudden insecurity and fear I dropped my gaze to my expensive shoes. "I mean, you won't join up with some hockey team while you're gone? Because none of us want to train another band member." I teased.

It worked and Kendall laughed softly. "I won't join any hockey teams without calling first. I'm definitely coming back."

"Promise?" Carlos pressed.

Kendall reached up and pulled his black beanie of his head and pulled in down gently around Carlos' ears. Carlos' hands instantly curled around the fabric and he beamed.

"I promise."

Logan rushed forward and threw his arms around Kendall's neck with so much force that Kendall staggered. They whispered things to each other that I wasn't meant to know and Logan stepped back. Kendall looked at me and stretched his arms out, waggling his fingertips at me.

"Where's my hug?" He pouted.

I stepped forward into Kendall's arms and pressed him against my chest. Truthfully, I was terrified of the next two weeks without Kendall there. Nothing good ever happened when Kendall was gone. There were always arguments, tantrums and tears that we could never fix without him.

"It'll be OK." Kendall assured me softly. "You won't even notice I'm gone."

"I doubt that."

Kendall pulled away from me and grabbed his rucksack from the spot by the door. There was a forlorn little smile on his face and his eyes shimmered slightly and a part of me felt a little bit better to know that Kendall was affected too.

"Kendall, are you ready baby?" Mama Knight called from outside the door.

"I'm coming mum." Kendall replied. "So uh...see you later guys. Be careful."

"You too Kendall." I tried to be brave for him.

"If you need me you can call any day and I'll try to make it back soon."

I touched my hands to his shoulders and gently guided him out of the front door and into the hallway.

"We know. Don't worry about us, we'll be fine. Have fun with your mum and sister."

"OK. OK. I'm gone."

He waved once at us and disappeared down the corridor and around the corner, Mama Knight and Katie trailing behind him. I shut the door and turned back to my remaining friends and felt oddly confused.

"We're screwed." I finally summed up.

"Yup." Logan agreed. "Big time."

...

"I HATE YOU!"

Logan's angry shout awoke me early morning about a moment before something heavy collided with the wall. I pulled my pillow over my face and groaned.

"GIVE ME BACK MY HELMET!" Carlos shrieked.

"GIVE ME BACK MY LAPTOP!"

The answer to that was something else falling to the floor and I really hoped it wasn't Logan or anything breakable. A small part of me was waiting for Kendall to spring into action and cool both tempers and then declare we were having waffles for breakfast. But I knew he wouldn't.

"Come back soon, Ken." I whispered.

There was another bang and I threw of my blankets and stomped into the living room. To be honest, I was expecting the carnage and mess of cushions and chairs strewn about the floor. I wasn't even that surprised to see the tale on its side, some of my own fights with Kendall had ended up with one of us using the table as a shield. But I was a little stunned to see Logan on top of the swirly slide clutching Carlos' helmet tightly to his chest. Carlos was dancing on the work surfaces, holding Logan's brand new laptop tauntingly.

"What are you doing?" I questioned.

"He's got my helmet, make him give it back." Carlos whined.

"Only when you give me back my laptop." Logan exclaimed.

"NEVER!"

How did Kendall cope with this almost every day and not lose his temper with us? Kendall was more remarkable than I had ever suspected. I rolled my eyes and grabbed a bowl from the cupboard. Carlos span around and stared down at the box of cereal in my hand.

"I want waffles, James." He pouted.

"I can't make waffles, Carlitos. You'll have to make do with cereal."

"Kendall would make them."

I sighed and dragged my fingers through my knotted hair. "I know he would. But I'm not him."

"I miss him." Carlos confessed.

"I miss him too, buddy. He'll be back soon but until he is we can't keep fighting. Because truthfully, I have no idea what to do to fix anything."

Logan slid down swirly and wordlessly passed Carlos his helmet. Carlos eased Logan's treasured laptop into his arms.

"Sorry." They both mumbled.

"Tell you one thing though; rehearsal is going to be fun. Gustavo is going to murder us without Kendall around." I fretted.

...

"Right dogs, you are down by one and there is a lot to do today. First, we are going to go through the new song. Second, Mr X's dance class and then back here for recording." Gustavo barked.

Silently we could only nod as Gustavo paced in front of us and bemoaned Kendall's absence. Twice I was sure Logan was going to cry or Carlos was going to fall into hysterics. I had thought about hiding myself in a corner until everyone stopped shouting. Did we really not know how to function without Kendall? We were kind of pathetic really.

Kelly ushered us into the sound booth and handed us our lyric sheets. It was strange because Kendall wasn't there. Robotically I sang along to the music without my usual passion. Gustavo turned us over to Mr X after only two hours of singing. Listlessly, we trudged into the dance studio and stood with bowed shoulders in front of Mr X.

"It's time to X-dance boys!" He announced.

The beat of the music did nothing to uplift my spirits and every move I made was slow and out of synch. The only comfort came in the thought that Logan and Carlos weren't fairing any better than me. Logan ended up on the floor three times in ten minutes and Carlos charged the wall four times and left a big dent in it. Mr X looked like he was going to burst into loud, dramatic sobs and finally flounced out of the room. I sank down against the wall heavily and sighed. Logan just collapsed straight down and lay panting on the floor. I didn't react in time to stop Carlos making another wild dash at the wall. He collided with it in the same moment that Kelly and Gustavo walked in through the door. There was a moment of startled silence in which they just stared at Carlos spread eagle on the floor and the pitiful heaps of Logan and me.

"OK, you dogs are insane. Seriously." Gustavo informed us seriously.

"What's wrong boys?" Kelly inquired softly.

"We miss Kendall." Carlos confessed.

Kelly sighed and squatted down in front of me. I attempted a smile for her but it failed to spark.

"He'll be back soon." She reminded us. She turned to Gustavo "Maybe we can give them the week off?"

"How about no?"

"Think about it, they're obviously depressed without Kendall and we need Kendall to sing his lines. You'll get more work done with all of Big Time Rush here."

"Fine! Go home."

Gustavo stalked out of the studio without a backward glance. Kelly smiled sympathetically at us and followed her boss toward the door. But she paused just before she left the room and glanced over her shoulder.

"Give him a call. Bet he misses you too."

"He'd better."

...

I didn't end up calling Kendall, I found a forgotten magazine to read and forget about our disastrous rehearsal. Carlos took to hiding in swirly slide and wouldn't come down no matter how much I begged. Logan buried himself in his books and mind; I don't think he surfaced once. Eventually, I gave up and wandered into bed, everything was wrong without the Knight family around us.

I miss you.

...

"Hey buddy, how's it going?" Kendall asked.

It was late, the clock had only just ticked passed three in the morning but I had to call Kendall and talk to him. Kendall had answered on the first ring and didn't seem to care. I curled up on the orange couch in the moonlight and held the phone against my ear. Carlos had awakened screaming about aliens and death and had needed Kendall. I wasn't good enough and I couldn't bring him Kendall. But I had promised I would try. Carlos curled against my side and pressed his nose into my shoulder, whimpering slightly and he wouldn't stop trembling.

"Kendall. I'm so sorry it's so late but we need you."

"It's fine. What's wrong?"

"Carlos had a nightmare."

Kendall sighed and clicked his tongue. "Is he still awake?"

"Y-Yeah."

"OK. Give him the phone for a while and then we'll talk. Sound good?"

"Yes."

I pressed the handset against Carlos' ear and he grabbed it from me eagerly.

"Kenny? Yeah...aliens are nasty, don't go with them... When are you coming home? ...Thursday but its Tuesday today... That's still ages away... Yeah, OK... I miss you...night Kendall..." Carlos returned the phone to my hand. "He wants to talk to you. I'm going to bed now."

"Oh. Night Carlitos."

Carlos stumbled back to his bedroom and I sighed into the handset, hearing Kendall's laughter.

"What on earth was he dreaming about?"

"I don't think I want to know."

"How are you, James? You sound tired."

"Been a long day that's all."

"Gustavo?"

"Yeah. How's your Grandma?"

"Good. She's good." There was a heartbeat of silence then Kendall seemed to explode and I nearly got lost in the torrent of words. "This is awful! My cousins are complete idiots and I swear if I get called a loser one more time I'm going to punch someone! I want to come home, James."

My heart bled for him and I wanted nothing more than to whisk him home and beat some sense into his cousins for making him this upset.

"You'll be back soon. Just ignore them. It'll stop."

"Oh course it will. That's why I'm locked in the bathroom with my bag."

"YOU'RE WHAT?"

"I don't trust them, Jamie." He sounded so defeated.

"Oh, you'll be OK, Kenny. You're way better than them and they're the losers. If you come back now you'll never forgive yourself."

"When did you get so smart?"

"I learnt from the best."

Kendall snorted a laugh. "I'd better go. See you later James."

"Bye buddy."

My best friend hung up and I was nearly beside myself with worry. Kendall felt threatened and I wasn't there for him.

...

Thursday. Finally.

I thought the day would never come, it was like the universe was playing cosmic joke on me and purposely stretching the hours out. I jumped out of bed earlier than I had in a long time, stupidly excited by the thought of seeing my friend again. I bounded out of my bedroom and inspected the living room with a critical eye. Everything had to be in the right place and perfect.

"JAMES!" Carlos shrieked.

I squealed and span around to face him, he was beaming and Logan was hovering by his side looking equally happy.

"Kendall's coming home!" I sang.

"We should throw him a party." Carlos suggested, his eyes shining brightly.

"How about we have a small party, just the four of us? I bet he'd like that even more." Logan said thoughtfully.

"Yeah, pizza and DVDs." I agreed.

Carlos nodded and bounced on his heels in front of us. I couldn't stop my smile from overtaking my face and I was glad that it was the holidays and that Gustavo didn't want to see us until Monday.

"This is going to be awesome!" I declared.

"I'll get the Pizza!" Carlos decided and jammed his helmet onto his head. He crashed out of the doorway within a heartbeat.

"I got the DVDs. You can get the snacks." Logan offered.

"On it!"

Logan and I had a brief fight to get out of the door before we both raced away from each other.

...

The snacks had been carefully arranged on the coffee table beside a mountain of DVDs. The Pizzas were staying warm in the oven and we had made sure that there were enough pillows and cushions on the couch. Logan hung up his mobile and turned to us.

"Kendall will be here in half an hour. We sure we got everything?"

"Yeah. Even laid his favourite pyjamas out on his bed." I reported.

"Perfect." Logan chirped.

"I'm going to change into my pyjamas." Carlos grinned and vaulted over the couch.

"This place just isn't the same without Kendall." Logan sighed.

"Yeah. Next time he wants to leave, we chain him to a chair."

Logan laughed. "Deal."

We perched on the couch, dressed in comfy pyjamas and couldn't tear our eyes of the door. Every time there were footsteps in the hall I forgot to breathe in anticipation. Finally the door clicked open and the Knight family stepped in. Mama Knight and Katie smiled at us and swept away to their rooms and I was thankful for their tact. They knew all we wanted was Kendall. Our golden boy looked up at us and smiled tiredly, his rucksack dropping heavily to the floor.

"KENDALL!"

"Hey boys." He greeted.

He didn't have time to think before we all collided with him and knocked him to the floor. He yelped a little in surprise but his laughter rumbled in his chest and he gathered us all to him.

"I take it you missed me?" He joked.

"You're not allowed to leave us ever again." Carlos ordered.

"Fine. Let me get up."

We scrambled off him and to our feet, all of us reaching down to help him from the floor. Logan and Carlos backed away and let me pull him upright. His hair was messed up, his clothes wrinkled and I would have been blind to miss the bruise on his cheek. I brushed my fingertips over the discolouration gently.

"Ken?"

He quirked a smile at me. "Told you I'd hit them."

I had to roll my eyes at him and reached for his rucksack. "Right Mister, you need to go and change into your pyjamas and meet us back out here."

Kendall obeyed me and span on his heel and walked into his bedroom. I dumped his rucksack on the table and ushered my smaller friends to the couch. Kendall returned a few moments later in his blue pyjamas and black fluffy socks we had given him one day when he had a violent cold. We cleared a space on the couch for him, between Carlos and me and let him fold himself down.

"Choose the movie, Kendall." Logan beamed.

"Die hard 4." He picked out instantly.

Logan stuck the disk into the machine and hurried to the kitchen for the pizza and the paper plates. The smell of pepperoni and dough flooded the apartment and Kendall's stomach rumbled loudly. He blushed at our laughter and aimed a playful punch at my shoulder. Logan set his load down on the small free space on the coffee table and squeezed down beside Carlos. I dumped a piece of pizza onto a plate and pushed it into Kendall's hands.

"Eat." I ordered.

"Yes sir!" Kendall mocked saluted and nearly inhaled the pizza.

When Bruce Wayne had been running around the city for an hour or so and the remaining pizza had gone long cold, Kendall's head suddenly dropped onto my shoulder. I looked down at the blonde head and pulled him closer to me. His emerald eyes were closed and he was bordering on sleep.

"Thanks guys." He mumbled. "I don't wanna go away again."

"Anyone who tries to take you away will have to go through us Kendie. Don't you worry."

He hummed content and curled closer against me, his head pillowed on my chest. Carlos dragged Kendall's socked feet over his lap and Logan threw a blanket over him. I smoothed down his hair and pulled the blanket up under his chin.

"Welcome home buddy."


	8. Missing in action

Thank you for your lovely reviews, I can't stop smiling. Now, I wrote two chapters today and I'm too scared to post the other one because I depressed myself writing it. So enjoy this one.

...

Big Time Rush.

Missing in action.

Logan.

"This is an emergency." James announced dramatically.

I looked up from the novel I was reading and watched him pace into the room. Carlos stopped trying to do a hand stand on the table to stare at the tall brunette.

"What is?" I ventured the question.

James covered his face with his hands and sniffed into them so loudly it sounded painful. I rolled my eyes at him and turned back to the pages of my book.

"My lucky comb is missing."

"That's your emergency?"

"What could be a bigger one?"

Exasperated I wrenched my gaze away from my book in time to see Carlos fall of the slide with wide eyes. He rushed to James' side and hurriedly started to try and calm our drama queen.

"Ssh, we'll find it. Maybe it's under your pillow?"

James snorted. "I looked there. It's not in its special box either."

I raised my eyebrows. "It has a special box?"

He looked at me like I was a moron and crossed his arms proudly in front of his chest. "Of course it does."

Carlos nodded and I got the feeling that I was supposed to know that fact. "Right, silly me. Have you looked in your pockets?"

His hands went instantly to his jeans pockets and came up empty. Wide hazel eyes fixed on mine and his lower lip trembled.

"Find it for me?"

"If I do will you leave me alone and go annoy Kendall?"

"Yes. Logie, please!" He whined.

Huffing, I stuck a lose piece of paper against the spine of my book and hurried after my friends. Carlos bounced around like an eager puppy and scurried onto his bed. James looked like his world had ended, all teary eyed and pale faced. Their room was a mess, clothes scattered all over the place, on the desk, over the chairs and under the beds. There was a pizza box sticking out of the wardrobe and for some reason and inflatable palm tree in one corner. I had a feeling that if it wasn't for Kendall's need for neatness, our room would be exactly the same. He never could stand it when things were out of place. James pointed to a cardboard box on the bed; it was painted gold and had sloppy handwriting on it. It poked at a distant, hazy memory of school and glitter.

"Did we make that?" I inquired.

"Yeah. All of us. It's the special box but it's empty."

I lifted it up gently and peered inside, our signatures were scrawled inside the lid and barely legible. James had folded up blue tissue paper in the bottom but apart from that there wasn't anything inside it.

"See?"

"Yeah, I see. Well, let's look for it."

In a matter of minutes we had rearranged the entire room and all come up empty handed. James wailed and flopped down face first onto the bed; Carlos instantly ran his fingers over his spine.

"It's gone! Lost forever! I'll never be lucky again!"

"Maybe Kendall knows?" Carlos suggested.

"Yes, call him, call him, call him!"

"You want me to call Kendall, ask him to come back just to find out if he knows where your comb is?"

"Yes."

James stared me down until I sighed and gave in. I stalked back to the table and snatched my phone up. Kendall's number I knew by heart and he always answered first ring. Only this time he didn't and frustration bubbled in me. I let it ring until I had to leave a message and hung up before I could record one.

"He's not answering." I shrugged.

"Then he has it!" James theorised.

I rolled my eyes and settled down to read again. James and Carlos whispered to each other and I wasn't sure if I should be worried for Kendall's safety.

...

"LOGAN! KENDALL'S STOLEN HELMET!" Carlos screamed.

Two hours had passed since the comb incident and Carlos' cry awoke me from my nap. I jolted into reality and my book slammed to the floor, my page getting lost instantly. Annoyed, I stared up into Carlos' angry face and James' smug one.

"Why on earth would Kendall steal your helmet?"

"Because he's jealous of it."

I blinked at the short boy for a moment. "I don't want to know why he would be but anyway it can't have been him. I've been here the whole time."

"You've been asleep for most of it. I came by earlier to get a drink." Carlos argued.

"I'm sure it wasn't Kendall."

"Then why is his phone stilled turned off? Guilty conscience?"

"He probably turned it off so he wouldn't be bothered by us."

James turned to Carlos with wide eyes. "Can you imagine what he's doing to them? We have to stop him!"

"How?"

James' eyes darkened and I decided that I really did need to fear for Kendall's life.

"Anyway possible."

Then they both span on their heels and stalked back toward their bedroom. I blinked after them and promised to save Kendall from whatever madness they came up with.

...

"GOD DAMNIT! KENDALL'S TAKEN MY LAPTOP!"

I couldn't believe that Kendall had the nerve to sneak passed me and steal my laptop. I didn't want to believe that it was Kendall stealing our things but it was the only conclusion I could come up with. No one had seen the blonde all day and he was still refusing to answer his phone. James popped his head around the corner and frowned.

"I thought you said it wasn't him?"

"Oh it's him and I'm going to kill him."

"Save a piece for me. I bet he's at the pool. Carlos, are you coming?"

"Where are we going?" Carlos called.

"The pool to murder Kendall."

"Sounds like fun. Count me in."

He bounded toward us and the three of us stamped out of the apartment. But when we reached the lobby we froze in bewilderment. Our missing items were laid out carefully on one of the chairs, untouched and whole. I reached for my laptop and as I picked it up something slipped from under the closed lid. Carlos scooped it up and stared at it.

"It's a DVD."

"Kendall's playing games with us?"

I shrugged. "Let's go back to the apartment and play this thing. Must be important, I've never know Kendall go to this much trouble over a prank."

We rushed back to the apartment and I was a little bit excited by Kendall's strange game.

...

We crowded around the television and I put the disk into the machine. Kendall's face flickered onto the screen and Carlos let out a whoop until the entire scenery set in and my excitement turned to fear. Kendall was in a dimly lit room, his hands pinned behind his back and his entire torso tied to a chair. His hair was messed up and there was a tear in his grey T-Shirt. He didn't look hurt just a little spooked and annoyed. I was terrified, this wasn't a joke on Kendall's part, he would never be this cruel. Someone had taken Kendall while we had been moaning about inanimate objects. Had he been there all day? What if they had hurt him and we couldn't see? Internal injuries or damage to his head? He could have been crying out for us all day in pain and fright and we never heard him. I had to remember to breathe before I hyperventilated.

"My friends are going to be so mad when they find out about this. Not only have you stolen their prized items but you've kidnapped me! I could have you arrested for this! I am not going to read that and I don't care what you do! Son of a bitch!" Kendall's fire was burning bright and loud, maybe too loud because his kidnapper stepped into the frame for a moment and let his hand collide with Kendall's cheek. "OW! OK, fine."

Kendall turned his face toward the camera screen and his eyes focused on something just above it.

"Now that I have your attention. I am being held hostage, for the time being I am safe and my captors have been very nice to me. They have promised that no harm will come to me if you follow their instructions. A payment of £100,000 will be needed for my safe return. Do not contact the police or anyone else; if you do I will be killed. If you fail to gather the money by midnight tonight, I will be killed. Await further instructions." He glanced over his shoulder and snarled. "This is too far, even for you. I am going to murder you!"

"Not if I kill you first."

Kendall screamed and the tape cut off. There was nothing but silence around me and the knowledge that my best friend was hurt and somewhere I couldn't reach him

...

To be continued...


	9. Traitors in our midst

Now that I've written this I realise that maybe this two-shot thing wasn't such a good idea. If you hate it I can write another chapter. I realised I used English currency, just go with it pretty please. All my love!

...

Big Time Rush.

Traitors in our midst.

Kendall.

"I'm going to murder you!" I vowed, staring at my unlikely kidnapper with fury.

The masked face moved forward and lips hovered close to my ear. The ropes around my wrists chaffed as I tried to automatically move away.

"Not if I kill you first."

A very high, very sharp stiletto heel came crashing down on my unprotected foot and I couldn't hold back my scream of shock and pain. I saw the recording light from the video camera click off and scowled when I could see through my tears.

"Why did you do that?"

Scarlet lips quirked upward. "Well it had to be realistic; they've got to believe it."

"The moment I get loose you better run as fast as you can!" I threatened. The basement door opened and those dreaded boots clipped away. "Hey wait! You can't just leave me here!"

"Sure I can. You're being held for ransom, it'll look odd if you suddenly appear back in your apartment."

"It'll look even worse if someone comes down here and see me tied to a chair! Seriously let me go!"

"Oh don't worry about that, no one ever comes down here. Besides I've got the only key. I'll be back in a few hours, Kendie; I need to make sure that no one does actually call the police. That'll just be awkward."

The door slammed shut and the key turned in the lock.

"Let me out! Hello? Hey come back! This isn't funny anymore, seriously! I bet Logan's having a heart attack right now and it's all your fault! Let me go!"

...

Logan.

Kendall's been kidnapped.

Insane amount of money needed for his return.

Someone wants to kill him.

We don't have that kind of money.

Kendall's been kidnapped.

They hurt him.

Made him scream.

What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?

God, I'm having a heart attack at eighteen.

Kendall's scream rang never ending in my ears, intense and enough to fracture my soul. It would never leave me. James was pacing around the room with the heels of his hands pressed into his eyes, muttering something I couldn't hear. Carlos rocked gently back and forth on the couch, staring at the blank television screen. I sucked in a greedy mouthful of air and tried to loosen the crushing vice on my chest.

"OK. OK. OK. OK. James stop panicking!" I demanded.

"This is the perfect time to panic!" James argued loudly. "Someone's kidnapped Kendall! Where are we going to get that amount of money?"

"I don't know!"

"What about Gustavo or Kelly or Mama Knight?" James suggested.

"Then the crazy person will kill Kendall!" Carlos shrieked.

"How much money do we have?"

I tugged my wallet from my pockets so fast my fingers got caught on the belt loops of my jeans. My heart sank when I opened it and fingered through the dismal amount of notes inside.

"Thirty pounds." I groaned.

"Twenty." James waved his sorry notes around.

"Five pounds thirty."

"Between the three of us we only have fifty five pounds thirty pence? We're a boy band how did that happen?"

"There's more in my account but only a couple of thousand."

"We'll have to go and get whatever we have. Maybe we can make a deal with them."

"Yeah like what? Here's a couple of grand, what body part will that buy us?"

"James!" I hissed and put a comforting hand on Carlos' trembling shoulder. "He didn't mean it, buddy. Don't worry, we'll get Kendall back."

...

Kendall.

My arms had gone numb a long time ago, there was an itch on my right cheek and a splinter digging into my wrist. The air around me was stale and musty and it coated the back of my tongue. There were thirty seven cracks on the wall in front of me and six patches of mould. I had revised my times tables, planned James' surprise birthday party that no one knew about and had plotted my revenge. And it involved green paint, buckets and doors. Now I was just plain bored and trying to pretend that I wasn't bothered by the shadows in the corners. Not to mention more than a little concerned about my friends reactions to this mess. There was going to be some serious damage control and clingy band mates when I was finally released from my basement prison. The door clicked open again and my ninja masked kidnapper danced back into view.

"Why are you wearing that mask? I know who you are."

"I have to keep the scenario going and in this case masks would be worn."

"You've been watching too many movies. Are you going to let me go anytime soon?"

"At midnight."

"What's the time now?"

"Three in the afternoon."

I groaned and tried to kick out. "What's really the point to all this?"

"I told you, silly."

"Right." A make-up brush like I had seen Jo use once suddenly careened into my vision. Startled, I jerked back and nearly toppled the chair. "What was that?"

"I don't really want to hurt you, Kendall. But I need to make it look authentic."

"You slapped me and stamped on my foot a few hours ago."

"Fine, I don't want to leave any permanent marks. Now hold still."

The soft bristles of the brush dusted over my right eye and across the same cheek that had been hit before.

"Are you putting make-up on me?"

"Yeah."

I wrinkled my forehead. "Feels funny. I don't like it."

"Tough."

"Everyone's going to be so angry with you and I'm going to stand around and laugh. I hope Logan never talks to you again."

"He will. This will all be forgotten by tomorrow."

"For you maybe. Did at least go and see them? Are they OK?"

"They're a little freaked out but everything's under control. I've got people working with me."

"You mean you've brought other people into this? You're insane, you know that? Who's in on this because I will kick their butts too?"

"There, you're done."

"Done? What did you do to me?"

"Nothing. Now, smile for the camera."

...

Logan.

"What's up dorks?" Jett smirked as he strolled past our doorway.

"Keep walking loser." James snarled.

"Just checking you weren't doing anything stupid. Oh this was by your door. Later."

Tossing the package into the apartment, he walked away whistling loudly. We stared at the brown envelope until James finally crept forward and picked it up.

"Kendall?" Carlos whispered.

"God I hope not."

James opened the envelope and tipped the DVD out into his hand. He walked toward the television and barely waited for us to be by his side before he inserted it into the player. The scene was the same, dark and dingy with a flashing bulb. But Kendall's face was a mess of bruises and dark colours. His lip looked raw and the damage to his skin nearly made me bring my breakfast back up. But he looked thoroughly furious and dangerous.

"These are your instructions." Kendall spoke through gritted teeth. "Place the money into a plastic bag and at five minutes to midnight go down into the Palms Wood Lobby. Put the bag into the trash bin and leave. If everything is correct I will be returned to you by one am." He looked directly into the camera again and smiled. "I'm all right guys. I'll be home soon."

The recording cut off again and Kendall's injured face faded from view but never our memories.

"They really hurt him." I whimpered.

"Afternoon boys!" Camille greeted. "Hey what's wrong?"

I knew I wasn't supposed to tell her, Kendall's life depended on her but the words spilled out and I really had no control over it.

"Someone's taken Kendall." I wept.

Behind me James and Carlos were sobbing into each other's shoulders. Loud broken sobs that only Kendall could stop. Camille's eyes widened and she stepped toward me, folding her arms around my torso.

"What do you mean?" She questioned.

"They're holding him for ransom and if we don't get £100,000 in five hours they'll kill him. What do we do, Camille? We can't live without him."

"Ssh, everything will be all right."

"Nothing's going to be all right." Carlos denied angrily. "I want him back. Why him? Why not me or somebody who wasn't important?"

"Don't think like that, sweetie." Camille cautioned.

"Is this our fault? My fault? Kendall never wanted to come to Hollywood. Oh God, what if he dies here? We need to find him! Where would they take him?" James wept.

I was barely supporting my own weight, leaning against Camille and sobbing into her neck. Her hand weaved in my hair and trailed down my back but all I could think about was the empty, gaping hole inside my heart and the raw fear that would never be quenched.

"I can't lose him. Not him. Please, give him back to me."

"He'll come home."

James sank down to his knees and buried his face in his trembling palms, Carlos was on the verge of hysterics and I could feel all traces of reason leaving my mind.

"They hurt him, Camille. Made him scream and all the bruises on his face...what if they're doing worse to him right now? And I'm not there? I'm always there for him. He's afraid of the dark, did you know that?"

"No. I didn't."

"They could be holding him in a dark room with no way out and hurting him. How could I ever forgive myself for this?"

Camille's arms tightened around my and her nose pressed into my shoulder. In my grasp her delicate body trembled.

...

Kendall.

I am OK. I do not need to panic. This is a game. The shadows are not going to devour me. I am an eighteen year old man. I am not afraid of the dark.

"I will keep screaming and singing badly until you let me out! Then I am going to sue you and make sure that Logan breaks up with you!"

The door slipped smoothly open and stopped my rant in its tracks. The pretty pale face was tear stained and her eyes were full of guilt.

"Are you going to let me out now Camille?"

"I shouldn't have done this. I'm sorry Kendall. My audition isn't worth this."

"You're going to let me go?"

"Yeah."

She rushed across the room and with a few tugs the ropes slipped from my wrists. I winced at the circulation of blood around my arms and the stiff muscles in my back.

"What made you change your mind?"

"Your friends are losing it."

I darted for the door but paused for a moment and glared over my shoulder at the petite actress.

"Don't think this means I forgive you though."

"I know. I'm sorry. I didn't know you were afraid of the dark."

I barely paid her any attention though and sprinted away from the nightmare basement and craved the safety of my friends.

I burst through my front door with a heaving chest and the grudging knowledge that I was bothered by the shadows in the hallway. My friends jumped in shock at my loud entrance and looked up from the stack of money in front of them. Their faces paled and they blinked at me, like they had seen a ghost.

"Guys?"

"Kenny?"

"I'm home guys. You can stop worrying now."

James vaulted from his chair and threw his arms around my neck, nearly cutting of my air supply but I held him back tightly. His body quacked and he kept gasping into my hair like he couldn't breathe. Concerned I tried to pull back but he whimpered and clutched me closer to him.

"Easy Jamie, it's all right. Just keep breathing."

Finally he moved and leant back to touch my face softly. "Does it hurt?"

"Hurt?" I echoed. "Oh! One sec."

I dashed into the bathroom and frowned at the blue and purple smudges on my face. Where had Camille learnt to do that? I scrubbed at my skin and stayed in front of the mirror until I had irritated my skin but the phantom bruises had faded.

"Kendie?"

I stepped back out to my frightened friends and smiled. "Better? I'm really not hurt."

"H-How?"

"It's...a really long story...Can I sit down?"

They scrambled to make the couch comfortable and folded down around me the second I had sat down. But they soon eased me into their arms until my head was resting on James' lap and my two smaller friends were using my legs as pillows.

"People are going to talk." I joked.

"Don't care." James growled.

His hands were playing with my hair and touching my cheek occasionally. I reached up one hand and grabbed hold of his wrist in comfort.

"James, I promise I'm OK. I was never in any real danger."

"What happened? Where were you?"

"The basement. I must have been there since lunch."

"Who put you there?"

"...Can't we just be happy I'm not there anymore?"

"Who was it, Kendall?"

"Promise you won't freak out?"

"Promise."

"Camille."

Everything was eerily calm for a moment then the grip on my knee tightened and Logan's face went red.

"Oh that bitch. How could she do that to us? Send us those videos! I'm going to murder her."

"Do it tomorrow." I begged. "I'm comfortable here."

"Why did she do it?" James asked softly.

"Research I think. She never really said. I'm hungry."

"I'll get you something. Stay here." Logan ordered.

I obeyed with a small shrug and batted James' hands away again.

...

"No! No you, go away!" James' angry voice made me look up from the play station screen.

"James?"

I rose from the seat slowly and passed Carlos the platinum controller.

"NO! Sit down Kendall!"

Startled I complied and sank back down on the orange couch silently. Logan appeared at the top of the swirly slide and his face went stormy like I had never seen. Betrayal flooded across his features and flooded his eyes and I suddenly realised who was at the front door. I ignored James' order and moved toward my friends. Logan rocketed past me and nearly knocked James over in his haste to get to the front door.

"You have no right to be here, Camille."

"Logan I just wanted to make sure Kendall was OK. That's all."

"He is, no thanks to you. He could have been hurt!"

"I'd never hurt him, you know that."

"I used to think that but now I don't know anything like that."

Camille's face was tear stained and pale underneath her make-up. She cowered in front of my friend's angry wrath, her lip caught between her teeth. I was prepared to shout at her and hate her for the rest of my days but then I looked again at Logan's face, through his hurt and betrayal and saw heart break. He loved Camille more than he had loved any girl and he was doing this for me. How could I let him sacrifice his heart for me? I stepped forward and pressed my hand against his shoulder blade.

"Let it go, Logan." I begged. "No one was hurt and I'm home OK."

"I can't. You didn't see the videos or believe that you were dead. Every time I look at her I'm going to see your face covered in bruises and I know now that they weren't really bruises but at the time I didn't."

"But I..."

"Kendall, its fine. I'm sorry for what I did to you, it was mean and cruel. I won't ever forgive myself for using you like that."

"Goodbye Camille."

He shut the door on the fiery actress and clicked the lock firmly shut. Camille sobbed on the other side of the door.

"You shouldn't have done that Logan. She made a mistake."

"She shouldn't play games with people's hearts and no one gets to treat you like that Kendie."

"Logie..."

"Just don't Kendall. I've got you back, that's all that matters."

...


	10. Mine

A/N: Thank you for your lovely reviews/alerts/favourites, they still mean the world! This one-shot was a spin off to one I wrote a few days ago and didn't have the heart to post. Enjoy!

...

Big Time Rush.

Mine.

James

"GET OFF ME NOW!" Kendall's angry voice boomed through the wooden door of the apartment before I even had it opened.

Curious I pushed open the door and stared in astonishment at my friends. Carlos and Logan had Kendall pinned against the floor on his stomach. Carlos sat on Kendall's back and had wisely trapped Kendall's arms underneath his legs. Logan looked timid as he held Kendall's leg to the ground, his eyes darted up to meet mine.

"What are you doing?" I questioned.

"I don't know!" Logan cried but he didn't take his hands off Kendall's legs.

Carlos beamed when he saw me and jumped excitedly up and down, I winced at Kendall's groan.

"Get off me!" He growled.

"Nope. Not until you tell me why." Carlos sang.

Kendall snarled and thrashed underneath them, Logan's grip on him nearly loosened. The room bore the scars of their hectic fight. Chairs were overturned, there was a broken glass in the kitchen and the Platinum controller had been discarded by the swirly slide. I dropped my damp towel by the front door and paced toward them. Kendall's face was ruthlessly pressed against the carpet but he managed to look up when I crouched down in front of him.

"You doing all right, buddy?" I questioned with a laugh.

"James! Get them off me now!" He demanded.

I moved to push Carlos of but Logan's sharp voice stopped me. "Don't you dare! We've been here for forty minutes, we're getting an answer."

"I'm not giving one!" Kendall spat. "Stop bouncing!"

Slightly worried by the familiar fire I could see burning bright in Kendall's eyes; I reached a hand out to steady Carlos.

"What's the question?" I asked bewildered.

"There isn't one!" Kendall denied. "Carlos is insane! He's totally omfh!"

Carlos slapped his hand over Kendall's mouth violent. Pure unadulterated rage shot across Kendall's face and he jerked his legs so hard Logan had to throw his chest across them to keep them pinned to the floor.

"Ssh! Don't lie Kenny. I know what I saw." Carlos chided.

Kendall's emerald eyes narrowed dangerously and he tried to turn his head toward Carlos. I glanced to Logan who returned my confusion and concern.

"Maybe you should get off him." I suggested.

"But I want to help. Kendall's upset."

"You are sitting on him." Logan reminded.

"No. Before that. He was crying."

Underneath him Kendall squeezed his eyes shit and stilled. I sat back on my heels in surprise and stared down at Kendall. Logan finally released his grip to a gentle massage on Kendall's calves.

"Why?" I asked.

Carlos shrugged and slipped his hand away from Kendall's face. Kendall let his had thud back down to the floor. I pushed Carlos to the floor and glared at Logan until he took his hands away. I kept expecting Kendall to deny Carlos' words but he seemed to have given up and laid plaint on the ground.

"Kendall?" I asked softly. "Buddy, you wanna talk?"

He shook his head, dragging his nose across the carpet fibres. Carlos squinted his eyes and looked heartbreakingly concerned. I tugged Kendall to his knees and tried to capture his evasive eyes that kept darting rebelliously away. Logan and Carlos scrambled forward to circle around him.

"Look at me Ken."

I gently coaxed his face up with gentle fingers curled under his chin. Now, I could see the agony and tears swirling in emerald depths. There were faint tear tracks on his cheeks that the carpet hadn't scrubbed away. His shoulders were stooped underneath an invisible weight and his hair hid his face from us.

"James." He mumbled

I squeezed the back of his neck in reassurance and enticed a small smile to his lips. Carlos crawled forward and slipped his hand into Kendall's.

"Talk to us." He commanded.

"I can't."

"Of course you can." Logan disagreed.

Kendall pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes and took a shuddering breath. He looked suddenly so small and lost that my heart shuddered slightly. I would have done anything to put the confidence back in my friend and fight away his demons.

"Are you being threatened?" The thought was suddenly so frightening that I couldn't think.

Emerald eyes widened slightly and for a horrible moment I thought I was right.

"No. No. I'm not. I'm not being threatened." He promised.

"Then what?"

He huffed and embarrassed laugh and tugged on his golden hair. Feeling the ache in my knees from the hard floor, I pulled us both onto the sofa. Kendall sighed and stared at the backs of his hands.

"It's so stupid, you'll hate me." He groaned.

"We will not!" Carlos gasped. Kendall raised an eyebrow at him and Carlos quickly backtracked. "Probably not."

"We won't ever hate you." I vowed, flicking his fringe away from his eyes. "Let us help."

"Yes you will. You won't even be able to look at me. Probably pack my bags for me."

There were a thousand things I had expected to hear but those words whispered like a secret weren't one. For a moment I could only gape and Kendall, our leader, hero and best friend like a moron. Logan and Carlos didn't have much better reactions, frozen at our knees. I stared at Kendall's bowed head and tried to work out why this wonderful boy thought we would be capable of hating him. Our breathtaking Kendall who had given up his dreams for me, his pride for Logan and his popularity for Carlos. He had never asked for anything in return. We owed him everything and held nothing but love and admiration for him.

"Why would you think that?" I breathed.

"Look at the envelope on the table."

Logan scurried to the table and picked a white envelope from it. Something on it made his eyes widen and his face pale. He nearly tore the paper apart to get inside and when he did agonised eyes met mine.

"Kendall...these are...Plane tickets to New Zealand."

Kendall sobbed once and buried his face in his hands.

"See? Told you."

My entire world was free falling from underneath me, twisting and throwing me off balance. Kendall was...leaving? To follow the girl who had left him behind.

"They're one way." Logan continued in a tiny voice.

Kendall nodded briefly and bent over his knees. I sat silently beside him and stared at him, the one person I couldn't imagine my life without. I hadn't known I was in a war with Jo. I didn't know she wasn't playing by the rules and trying to steal what was ours. Because Kendall was ours, not hers, he never would be hers. She must have spoken endless promises of love and companionship to get him to even consider abandoning us.

"Don't go." I begged. "Please."

Kendall peered over the tips of his fingers at me. "I don't want to go...I do...I miss her...What do I do?"

"Stay with us!" Carlos exclaimed. "You belong with us."

"I didn't even buy them. Jo sent them, I think. I came back and they were there. I only told her I got lonely once and she hasn't stopped texting me."

I ran my hand across his shoulders and suddenly felt like the worst friend in history. "You get lonely?"

"Oh, not like that! I'm not lonely, I'm _lonely_. In a way you guys can't fix. Does that make sense at all?"

I shook my head slowly and wished it did. I had never been in love the way Kendall loved Jo. The pure and perfect way songs were written about and films revolved around. Our big hearted blonde had found it and it had torn him apart when he lost it. He was lonely because he didn't have it anymore.

"How can we help?" Logan nearly begged.

"Have a party, smuggle in alcohol and take care of me when I'm wasted and don't hate me for it."

I laughed slightly and gathered Kendall tighter against my side, smiling as his shoulders finally relaxed.

"OK. That sounds like fun." I agreed.

Kendall burrowed into me and huffed a loud, chocked breath. Logan had finally dropped the plane ticket like it had caught fire and pushed himself against Kendall's free side.

"We know you miss Jo and there is no possible way we could understand how you feel, but we are here for you Kenny. You can always talk to us."

"I do know that, Logie. I...wanted to go and see her but then I realised how much I would miss you guys and it got a bit much."

"You can go out there for a holiday. We don't mind that." I suggested.

"I suppose."

"But you can't stay out there." Carlos ordered and waggled his finger in Kendall's face.

"All right."

I know you love him, Jo and I know you want him there with you. But Kendall's ours. You can't take him away from us.


	11. Forgiveness

A/N: This has been hovering around for weeks, you may not like it but you might.

...

Big Time Rush.

Clip On Stranger.

Forgiveness.

James.

"Boys, please. Kendall isn't coming home." Mama Knight tried to tell us. She had never stopped telling us Kendall was gone. We didn't want to believe it.

"Stop acting like he's dead!" Katie exclaimed tearfully. "He'll be back. He promised. Kendall never breaks his promises."

He had promised us, vowed that he'd be back once his head was on straight but he had already been at the airport by then.

"_I'll come back, Jamie. I just need a little time. Can you give me that?"_

I could never deny him anything even if it broke my heart to give it to him. How badly had he been hurting for him to think leaving was the only way to cope? But after what he did I can't find it in myself to be surprised. He really did mess up big time.

"Sweetie, it's been over a month. Don't you think he'd have come back by now if he was going too?"

"NO!" Logan cried, peering up at us with red rimmed eyes. "Don't write Kendall off! He has to come back to us. We're his family!"

I gathered the tiny genius against my side and knew I was a poor replacement for Kendall.

"This is all your fault!" Katie hissed, fixing a burning angry glare on her mother. "You made him run away!"

Mama Knight gave a tiny whimper and pressed her hands to her eyes. "I know."

"_If you walk out that door don't come back!"_

"_You don't mean that, mum."_

"_Yes I do! If you walk out then you're not welcome here anymore."_

She didn't mean it. I knew it even as she said it. I thought Kendall would see it too and come back. But he never did. At least not while we were awake. That night he crept back into the apartment and packed his clothes away, everything that was him was gone. Come morning, I knew I had fallen into a nightmare that I could never awake from.

"All you had to do was listen. Kendall made a mistake! You always told us it was okay to make them."

"This wasn't some little error of judgement, Katie. It was a colossal path of destruction! Kendall knew exactly what he was doing and he knew it was wrong."

"He came to us for help!" Carlos snapped suddenly. "Of course he knew! He just didn't know it would be thrown back in his face like that!"

He looked terrible, pale and angry and nothing like the happy boy he had been only a few weeks before. None of us slept anymore, my phone was permanently at my side. Logan always set an extra place at the table in Kendall's spot, his bed sheets were washed every week because we all had the same hope. That Kendall would shake of his demons, his deceit and his lies and come home again. Be our brother again. Just how he was supposed to be.

"He could have killed you all." Mama Knight defended herself quietly.

"NO!" I cried. "He wouldn't have! That's why he stopped driving that night and called you."

"He was high." She whispered, like she had spilled some dirty secret. "And drunk."

"We all were!" Logan spat. "But you only yelled at him! He was probably the one nearest to sober!"

"He'd been in a fight."

"Protecting us. Why can't you understand that? Kendall's actions that night were wrong but he saved us. He didn't drive and refused to let us."

I knew she hadn't been able to see past the blood on Kendall's face and his intoxication. In her eyes, he had failed her in one night and she hadn't coped. But neither had Kendall coped with the disgust he felt. She hadn't realised that none of us really had a clue what was going on, only that we were wrong. But I had so badly wanted to go to that party, even though I knew what could happen. But I had no idea it would end up with Kendall's messy fall from grace.

"But he should never have taken you there. You're such nice boys."

"I would have gone anyway." I rebelled. Logan and Carlos nodded beside me; Katie's eyes were grim with understanding. "Kendall wouldn't have been able to stop us. You disowned him. He could be dead for all we know."

"Why didn't you just listen, mum?"

...

The apartment is to quiet now that Kendall had fled. Sometimes, I forget he's gone and I start to call out for him until my head catches up with me and I remember. Logan sends me pitying glances that really just reflect my feelings and tries to pretend he understands. I try to ignore the empty bed in the bedroom. I don't want to know that we all spend time sobbing into the pillows and trying to recapture his scent on the linen. I want to pretend that this is all a dream and Kendall will be there when I open my eyes. I miss him. I never imagined a life without Kendall in it, his confidence or stinging wit that could always make me laugh. He was my voice of reason and I'm lost without him. Carlos doesn't know how to function anymore, he doesn't smile instead he creeps around like a shadow. Logan got lost in his books and numbers days ago and I can't reach him there. He's anxious and frightened all the time. Katie's an explosion waiting to happen. She's so angry, at her mother, me, Kendall, the world. I don't think I'll be able to stop her melt down. Mama Knight is a strange cocktail of anger, sorrow and guilt. She regrets what she did and misses Kendall but she's too proud to back down completely. She thinks I don't know she spends hours crying into a beanie he left behind.

And me.

I'm floating. Disconnected and spiralling. A deep black hole is waiting to swallow me up. I can't find him. I don't know where to look. He could be hurt. Be dead and gone.

It's not fair!

We all did wrong. None of us were perfect.

I want him back.

...

"I hit him." Mama Knight's fragile voice stops me breathing. She looked up at me and I knew she had seen the horror in my eyes. "I hit him."

"Why?"

"H-He was still intoxicated and kept trying to hug me but he smelt like his father and I got scared. I didn't mean it."

My heart dropped passed my shoes and melted into the floorboards. Of course I knew about the phantom father that made an appearance in Kendall's nightmares. To be compared to a man like that must have shattered Kendall to pieces.

"It was an accident."

"I hit my baby! My son." She buried her face in her trembling hands. "I'm a terrible mother."

"You did _WHAT!?"_

I jumped and span around but already knew who the enraged voice belonged to. I had never seen Katie so still, her eyes wide and full of anger. Logan and Carlos hovered behind her and they looked murderous as well. I couldn't think passed my unsteady beating heart.

"Katie...sweetie." Mama Knight began.

"How could you? After what dad did to him! You hurt him!" She screamed.

"I got scared."

"You think Kendall meant to scare you? Nothing excuses you doing that. I can't deal with this, I'm going for a walk." But she paused before the front door and barely glanced over her shoulder at us. "I hate you. ALL of you."

Then she was gone. And the world shattered a little more. Mama Knight wept openly, Logan looked about ready to hyperventilate and Carlos couldn't tear his eyes away from the ground. And I didn't know what to do.

...

"Maybe this will work." Logan suggested. He clutched a battered notebook against his chest, his face hopeful and too pale. "It's Kendall's address book. He took his phone with him but I bet Jo's number is in here. He still talks to her so maybe she knows where he is."

"It's worth a try." I shrugged but I was clinging to the small spark of hope it brought.

Logan flipped through the pages and we all grew more desperate with every moment that passed. Finally he cheered and grabbed the nearest phone to him.

"Hello Jo? This is Logan Mitchell...things are fine...listen, have you heard from Kendall recently?"

I held my breath and Logan's face dropped. My heart shattered into a thousand unrecoverable pieces.

"You haven't. If you do please call us."

The phone dropped from his hands and fell to the carpet with a dull thud. Logan crashed to his knees beside it and I crawled over to him, pulling him tight against my chest.

"He's not coming home, is he?" Carlos whispered.

I tugged him toward my side. "I just don't know."

...

Jo.

"Hello Jo? This is Logan Mitchell."

My heart stopped. I had known this was coming.

"Logan, hi. How is everything?"

"Things are fine." He couldn't mask his lie. "Listen, have you heard from Kendall recently?"

I squeezed my eyes shut and forced my own lie from between my teeth. "No, I haven't."

"You haven't." He repeated dully. "If you do please call us."

"I will. I promise."

I hung up and lowered it back down to the cradle. When did my love for Kendall turn me into a liar? There was no denying the grief and heartache I had heard in Logan's voice. They must all be hurting so badly and I was making it worse by not talking.

I took a deep breath and turned to face the golden haired boy hiding on my balcony. His hair glowed in the early morning sunlight and flopped over his eyes that had been clouded with pain. I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around his bare waist, enjoying the feel of his naked torso in my hold. The sunlight was just warm enough for him to dress only in his tatty jeans and walk bare footed around. His plaid shirt helped me fend off the morning chill and I wouldn't have surrendered it for anything.

"You're turning me into a lair, Kendall." I scolded quietly.

Kendall sighed loudly and bowed his head low. He wouldn't tell me why he was out here with me. I couldn't help him when he woke up screaming from nightmares about a man. He wasn't my Kendall anymore. Just an empty shell.

"Big Time Rush was on the phone?"

"Logan. He sounded upset. You didn't tell me you ran away."

Kendall reached around his head and played with a strand of hair that escaped from behind my ear.

"You make it sound so childish, Jo. I couldn't stay there. I messed up."

"That doesn't mean you can't make things right."

He broke away from me and stalked into the bedroom. I followed after him and watched as he raked his hands through his hair and kicked out at the bed.

"I can't make this right. My own mother is scared of me. My friends probably hate me. I'm a waste of space."

I prowled forward and seized his wrist and made him look up at me. His eyes were so venerable, open and frightened. My fingertips brushed along his cheek and down his jaw line. He pressed a kiss to my palm and tried to smile for me.

"You could never be a waste of space, Kendall. Tell me what happened."

"I got drunk."

"Happens to the best of us."

"I...used cannabis."

My hands froze against his face. "Drugs? Kendall what were you thinking?"

"I wasn't thinking! But it was just the once and really what harm could it do. Then I wanted more and I got scared. I tried to tell mum but she freaked out and kicked me out of the apartment."

"Oh."

Kendall laughed bitterly "Yeah, oh. Still think I'm not a waste of space?"

"You're not still using?"

Kendall shook his head. "I swear it was just the once."

"Good."

Something shifted in Kendall's eyes, an anger that was legendary and frightening he turned on himself. Kendall lost control. He threw himself away from me and crashed his fist into the wall with enough force the floor shook. He roared and snatched his hand back to his chest and thought I hadn't seen the blood. He rampaged out of the bedroom and I was to slow to stop a glass from being hurdled across the living room.

"Kendall!" I gasped.

"I'm such a screw up!" He screamed and punched out at another wall.

"Kendie, please."

He swung burning emerald eyes to me and nearly pinned me against the wall with their intensity.

"Why do you bother with me?"

"Because I love you."

"You can't love me. Look at you, you're perfect and I'm fucked in the head."

Blood dripped freely from his hand, staining my cream carpet crimson but he didn't seem to notice. Standing in front of my with all his defences down, he was raw edges and gaping wounds. The skin underneath his eyes was dark purple and his face was two shades too pale. He trembled and his eyes were flooded with tears he thought he shouldn't shed.

"I love you." I repeated softly and he crumbled.

I rushed forward to catch him before I could lose him and he fell into my arms already shaking with his tears. I held him tight to me and prayed I could take away his hurt.

"I'm sorry." He whispered. "I am so sorry. Please don't hate me."

"I don't hate you but I don't think I'm the one you should be apologising to."

"How can I go back after what I did? You didn't see their faces."

"You made a mistake, Kendall. It doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human."

"I don't want to be like him." He confessed.

"Like who?"

"My dad."

I wanted to pretend I had no idea what he alluded to but the fear and hatred in his voice made me understand more than I wanted to. I hugged him tighter to me and pushed my face into his shoulder.

"You don't have to be anyone you don't want to be. You choose how to live your life, not him."

"You really believe that?"

"I do. Are you ready to go back?"

He pulled away from me and pressed his lips against mine briefly.

"I love you so much, baby. And yes, I think I am."

...

James.

The hours are melding together. Day and night. Light and shadow. They're all the same. Were they always like this?

I miss him.

I miss me before he left. The me that could laugh and get hysterical over a stray hair or a stain on my shirt. I can't be that person anymore, I'm fairly sure he left with Kendall.

A dull thud from the kitchen had me reaching for my hockey stick and easing out of the door. I had a family to protect, it didn't matter how damaged it was, there was still a part of it here. Nothing would make them away from me. I peered over the swirly slide and glanced down into the apartment below. All the lights were on and for a moment I couldn't see anyone there. Then I glanced toward the door and the world spun on its axis. I would have recognised Kendall anywhere, even in the shadows he was hiding in. It was heart cripplingly obvious he hadn't decided if he was going to stay or leave again. His hand was curled around the door knob. I could have let him leave and lie to everyone tomorrow and give in to the anger in my heart. Or I could shelter my hurting brother, the one who had found the strength to come back and stop him vanishing again.

"Don't go." I called out, my voice so quiet and lost.

Kendall jerked away from the door and found my eyes in a heartbeat. He didn't look any different, I had expected him too. His hair was a little longer and his eyes a little darker but I was sure I could find him in them again.

"Jamie." He breathed.

"We can work this out, Kenny." I tried.

Slowly, his hand pulled away and he stepped out of the darkness. I tore down the swirly slide and was hurtling toward him before either of us could really comprehend it. But the anger that simmered below the surface hadn't truly left me and I let my fist collide with his cheek. He cried out and crashed to the floor.

"You didn't have to go!" I growled. "You could have stayed."

"I couldn't have! My own mother was frightened by me and I couldn't trust myself."

"You should have come to us!"

"I tried! It got me kicked out."

His eyes shimmered and I swooped down on him, gathering him tight against me and refusing to let go even when he struggled and protested.

"I missed you, you stupid idiot." I mumbled against his neck.

"I'm sorry. I missed you too."

"I've told you this before; it's not the same when you're not here. Everybody's crazy."

"I'll try to remember that."

Suddenly I could hear soft cries and sniffs and for a moment I thought Kendall was crying. But then I looked up and spotted Carlos, Logan and Katie huddled by the table. I smiled at them, it was burning bright and happy because despite everything, I could see a light and hope. Katie darted forward and threw herself onto Kendall's back. He stiffened in surprise and reached one hand back to touch the small head against his own.

"Baby sister?"

"Where did you go, big brother?"

"To visit and old friend. I'm sorry if I made you sad." He looked up at his other band mates. "I'm sorry."

"Shit happens." Carlos shrugged.

"Yeah, no biggie." Logan agreed.

Kendall sighed and shifted Katie around until he was cradling her against his chest lovingly. He turned guilty, hurt eyes to us and bit down on his lower lip.

"It is big. I messed up badly and I'll be sorry forever." He started.

I could see the guilt eating him alive, feasting on his insides and I had to stop it devouring him.

"You didn't hurt any of us Kendall. Well...we could have done without you running away but we understand. You saved us. At that party, you made sure we were safe and took the fallout from it."

Logan nodded. "Looks like we owe you again, buddy."

"You owe me nothing. Not a failure like me."

He pulled away from us again and headed with his head bowed toward his vacant bed. His body may have come back to us but his mind hadn't. He wasn't complete and our words couldn't help him.

"I am sorry. "He confessed "I left so I wouldn't become someone I'm not but I think I became him anyway."

"I was wrong, baby." Mama Knight's gentle voice cut through us.

We all froze, none of us had heard her appear in the bedroom doorway. Kendall seemed to stop breathing and he didn't look at her.

"What?" He whispered.

"I was wrong. You are nothing like your father. So, you got it wrong, it happens. I'm sorry baby."

He finally turned to his mother with hope in his jade eyes and tears streaming down his cheeks.

"Mama?"

"I'm here, Kendall."

Kendall broke down, his chest heaving underneath his sobs and his body curled in on itself. Mama Knight rushed toward her sobbing son and shushed him softly.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He chanted.

"You're forgiven. I'm sorry I hit you."

"I deserved it."

She swatted the back of his head lightly. "No you didn't."

"Are you staying Kendie?" Logan asked.

Kendall nodded softly. "Yeah."

Neither Knight objected when we embraced them softly and kept our blonde heart beating.


	12. Your own worst enemy

Clip on Stranger.

Big Time Rush.

Your own worst enemy

"KENDALL! KENDALL! KENDALL!" Carlos sang. "Why are you sleeping? It's three in the afternoon! We're going to be late."

I moaned and curled up in a tighter ball beneath my blankets and did my best to shut out the impatient voice. All day I had tried to pretend that my head wasn't beating out a drum like rhythm inside my skull or that my throat felt like sandpaper. Logan would murder me if he knew I had stashed two boxes of tissues beneath my blankets because my nose was blocked but wouldn't stop dripping. My bones ached and the cold or flu had even managed to work into my teeth and make them throb. I wanted to shut the world out and hide away until I felt human again. But I could already feel Gustavo breathing down my neck and I had to emerge from my cocoon.

"Yeah, I'll be there in a minute." My blocked nose had thickened and distorted my voice but Carlos didn't seem to notice.

"Hurry up." He ordered.

Exhaustion and illness dragged on my body as I finally convinced myself to move. I caught my reflection in the mirror and winced. I looked disgusting, pale and sweaty and my nose was bright red and sore. The lack of proper sleep had only made the shadows underneath my eyes into dark bruises. I couldn't hide this and just the thought of trying to pretend I wasn't sick was too tedious. I tugged on ratty jeans, the first clean shirt I could find and my black beanie. James hated it but all I wanted was comfort. I tried to ignore the soft, lulling call of my bed and sleep.

"I'm here guys." I announced, not even close to my usual volume or energy.

They all noticed and they froze like statues, eyes wide and locked on me. We all stared at each other, waiting for someone else to move until a sneeze erupted from me and made the single drum in my head into a brass band.

"Bless you." Logan muttered. "You're sick Kendie."

"Am not." I protested sulkily. "Gustavo's waiting for us and he shouldn't wait for us. He'll get angry."

"He'll have too. You look terrible." James frowned. "You should be in bed."

"No." I growled.

"Kendall!" Logan scolded. "You'll make yourself sicker."

"I'm not sick. C'mon."

I marched toward the front door and just as I knew they would, they followed me. I pretended to be oblivious to the whispering and the fretful looks behind me.

...

"Good morning guys! How-wow, Kendall you're so pale. Are you OK, sweetie?" Kelly's greeting turned sour and her passionate face drew into tight concern.

"Never better." I assured her, the effect was slightly ruined by my rasping voice.

She wasn't convinced but didn't argue with me like I expected. Logan glared at me and Carlos' eyes pleaded with me and all I could do was smile at them. James moved toward me and grasped my shoulders.

"Ken, I know you're the oldest and don't like to show weakness but just this once give in. You are ill! I can feel you shaking. Go home and sleep, before you collapse. Please." He pleaded

"I can't."

James growled and pressed his palm against my forehead. The gesture was cold, soothing and I found myself leaning into his touch.

"You have a fever." He deduced.

"I don't."

"Why do you insist on making us worry about you?"

"I'm just tired, Jamie."

I won our battle and he rolled his eyes and wandered toward Logan and Carlos. The shaking James had felt was in my legs, turning them to jelly and I had to concentrate just to keep standing. Gustavo watched me walk toward him with unfathomable eyes and didn't look away when I challenged him.

"Mr X wants you for rehearsals. Go."

Logan groaned and I saw James flinch but I wouldn't back down from Gustavo's mind games. I may have been waiting for the ground to swallow me but there was no way I was going to wait on the sidelines. And Gustavo knew that. Kelly's concern was so strong it was nearly tangible. James' hand kept folding around my elbow, Carlos seemed to be supporting more of my weight and Logan's hand had fluttered to my forehead twice.

My head was held stubbornly high and I stalked toward the dance hall.

"You shouldn't encourage him." I heard Kelly hiss. "He's sick."

"I'm not!" I shouted back. "I'm fine."

"No you're not." Carlos seethed.

"It's time to X-Dance, boys!" Mr X sang and flounced toward the radio.

I can do this.

...

I can't do this. It's agony.

My head kept pounding, roaring, screaming in red hot fire and I was trembling. Mr X kept shouting words that just made everything worse. I couldn't remember the dance moves, I couldn't breathe and my chest felt like it was caught in a vice. The world was spinning out of control and I knew I was standing still. My knees shook and dizziness assaulted my mind. This was the fateful crash that everyone but me had known was coming.

"Logan!" I chocked.

My legs slipped from underneath me and I fell without a way to save myself. But the impact with the floor never came.

"Easy, Ken. I've got you." James soothed. "Believe me now?"

"Oh my God!" Mr X screeched. "I'll get Gustavo!"

"You never listen to us, Kendie. It'll get you killed." Logan muttered

"Kenny." Carlos whimpered. I groped for his hand.

"I'm...I'm all right. Let me up, James." I ordered weakly.

"Not a chance."

I flush in embarrassment as James' tightened his hold on me and brought me cradled against his chest. My eyes were heavy and slipped shut and I jumped at the large hand on my forehead that was far too big to be Logan's. I pried open my eyes and blinked at Gustavo and could almost believe there was fear in his eyes. Logan was next to me, one hand pressed against the pulse point on my wrist, the other wrapped around a silent Carlos.

"I'm OK." I gasped.

"Shut up, Kendall." Logan snapped.

Hurt, I pulled away from him and drew myself into James' chest. Gustavo's hand followed me until I batted him away. Logan sighed and curled his fingertips around my jaw and made me look at him.

"I'm sorry Kendie. You scared me."

"...didn't mean too."

"I know buddy. Now, don't even think about lying to me. What hurts?"

I didn't feel remotely strong enough to argue with the future doctor. "My head."

"Everything, Kendall."

"Throat. Stomach. Nose. Ears. Teeth. Do I need to go on?"

Logan chuckled. "No. I can work with that. Can you stand?"

"Yes." I stood up, wobbled and crashed into Gustavo's chest. "No."

The large arms around me tightened while I rocked on my heels and tried to find my balance. It was so odd to see Gustavo acting like a person instead of an emotionless robot. I must have unsettled him too. I was going to owe everyone a massive apology later.

"I've got him." James insisted. "Ready buddy?"

"...sure."

But my traitorous legs folded beneath me instantly. James caught me and before I could comprehend it, he had scooped me away from the floor and into his arms. I wasn't sure how to react; my best friend shouldn't be carrying me. I was strong and into control but James was safe and warm.

"Go to sleep, Kendall." James ordered softly. Just before I slipped into slumber I heard James whisper over my head. "Guys, he's lost a lot of weight."

...

James.

"You need to stop doing this to us." I scolded my sleeping brother. "I'm going to grey before my time."

Kendall mewled in distress and curled against my side, his fingertips captured fistfuls of my shirt tightly. I don't know how he thought he could fight the grip the illness had on him. It probably started out with a simple cold, a few days rest and he would have been fine but now Logan was mumbling about fevers, flu and temperature. Carlos patted Kendall's socked foot and smoothed out the blankets.

"He's going to be all right, isn't he Logie?" Carlos asked.

Logan nodded "Yeah. We just need to keep him in bed and make sure he has a lot to drink. But he'll be fine. Stupid boy. Why did he do that?"

"Who knows?" I sighed

"We should let him rest. Come on, Carlos. Maybe we can find a hockey game." Logan ushered Carlos out of the room.

I carefully unhooked Kendall's fingers from my shirt and followed my smaller brothers out of the room. Carlos leaped for the remote and flicked through the channels until he finally found a hockey game. Logan flopped down beside him, his hand still curled around the thermometer. I took one long glance back at Kendall's door and curled up beside my friends.

"I meant what I said earlier, Kendall's lost weight."

"I expected him too." Logan confessed. My face twisted in confusion. "It must be tough, looking after all of us, including Katie and Mama Knight. Then there's the band and school."

"So, what? He's too busy to eat? Guilt complex, here I come!"

Logan's hand connected with the back of my head lightly. "Don't feel guilty James. Kendall would probably kick your butt, if he knew that."

"I know." I chuckled.

We lapsed into comfortable silence, Carlos changing the channel to a film with a lot of explosions. We tensed and glanced back at Kendall's door, worried that we had awoken him but everything stayed quiet for a moment. Then the lock clicked opened and a sleepy Kendall stumbled toward us.

"Guys?" He slurred.

"Ken. What are you doing out of bed?"

"Got lonely."

I rose and gathered Kendall into my arms, tugging him down beside me on the sofa. He snuffled and pressed a wadded tissue against his nose.

"When will I get better, Logie?" He asked pathetically.

"Soon, buddy. But next time, listen to us."

Kendall smiled and curled himself back into a tight ball between us. I pressed my palm over his eyes and within minutes, his body had relaxed again in sleep.

"We've got you." I promised. "You're safe."


	13. Things left unsaid

A/N: I own neither Big Time Rush or the song lyrics used in this story.

Lyrics: Things left unsaid- Disciple.

Oh and to Honey Bee11, thank you for your review and I had no idea that Kendall was the youngest out of them. Thank you for correcting me. It has been rectified!

...

Big Time Rush.

Clip on Stranger.

Things left unsaid.

James

_It's just a matter of time a few days ago  
I saw you, you were fine  
Remembering what you said  
About the book you read  
The one I got you  
The Beginning of the End  
Oh, how we'd talk  
For hours upon end  
What I would give  
Just to do it again  
But you're lying there  
In this hospital bed  
Won't you open your eyes  
And let's talk once again_

Beep. Beep. Beep.

I used to hate that noise. It reminded me so much of my alarm clock or a bad hospital drama but today, I love it. Because it means Kendall's still here. That he's still breathing. Fighting fate and that looming presence of death by himself. I can't help him. No one can. The Doctor's don't know what they're talking about. They keep trying to tell us, using gentle condescending words, that Kendall won't make it.

I don't want to believe it. Kendall would never leave us alone.

The small figure on the bed doesn't look like our golden leader. He's motionless and Kendall's never still for more than five minutes. I keep waiting for him to open his eyes and smile at me. But the bandages wrapped around his torso and the IV feeds in his arms tell me he can't. Nameless Doctors click their tongues whenever they see him and whisper 'he's lucky, you know? A crash like that should have killed him'. 'A head injury like that should be fatal.'

And my answer is always the same:

"You're talking about Kendall. Nothing can kill him."

Now, I think I'm eating my words and chocking on their bitter taste. Kendall looks weaker everyday and he's no closer to waking than he was last week. I reached out and threaded my fingers through Kendall's cold ones and tried to rub warmth into them. There was no response, he didn't answer my silent pleads. He was slipping away from us little by little.

"Come back to us Ken. We need you." I whispered against his knuckle.

Only the hiss of the machines answered me with mechanical precision. This shell frightened me. There was no guarantee that Kendall was even still inside. I wanted to pretend that Kendall's warm spirit was curled up safe somewhere inside his damaged body, healing, waiting until he was well enough. But his body was broken.

They had to shock him back to life. Twice.

Twice we nearly lost him.

"James?" Logan's tired voice made me start and peer sluggishly at him.

Logan didn't look well. His eyes were bloodshot and irritated. His clothes were rumpled and I couldn't remember the last time I saw him eat. Carlos had curled into his side hours ago, trying to sleep but always terrified to slip to deep into its clutches. One minute we could wake up and Kendall could be gone.

"Logie, you should sleep more." I fretted.

Logan shook his head and leant to run his hands through Kendall's greasy hair.

"I can't. I'm afraid of what I'll see."

"I know." I replied.

And I did. We had all seen the smashed, burnt wreckage of Kendall's car wrapped around a tree. We had smelt the fire and the blood, taste it in the air. And then we had seen him. Crumpled, dying, bloody, pinned to his seat by a shard of glass through him. We knew each other's fear because it was our own. Each of us saw that wet, cold day in our dreams. It haunted me in my every waking moment. Whenever I blinked I saw his face.

"I wanted this to be a dream. I wanted it so badly to be a nightmare." Logan confessed. "Just some terrible dream. God, why does it have to be real? Why him?"

Why _us_?

_If you fly away tonight  
I want to tell you that I love you  
I hope that you can hear me  
I hope that you can feel me  
If you fly away tonight  
I want to tell you that I'm sorry  
That I never told you  
When we were face to face_

"How do we do this?" I asked and gripped Kendall's hand tighter. "If he..."

"Don't say it!" Carlos exclaimed, snapping his eyes open and fixing me to my seat with the desperation in them. "He's not going to die! You'll see! He'll wake up soon and he'll be so angry you doubted him."

Carlos isn't Carlos anymore. I don't recognise the angry boy opposite me. He looks older, harsher and world weary. Carlos doesn't wear his helmet anymore. Won't smile or laugh. Kendall's stolen that away. He's stolen all of us and he has no idea he's done it. Logan got lost in his books for a few days, trying to find a miracle to save Kendall, fix the broken bones and the torn organs.

And the head injury.

He understands this more than I ever could. Sometimes, when he thinks we're not looking, I see him stare down at Kendall silently. It took me a while to realise what he was doing. He was saying goodbye. Logan doesn't think Kendall's going to make it out of this. But his heart believes so much in Kendall's ability to make things right. To be all right.

I pushed a strand of un-styled hair away from my eyes. There was the prickle of a beard starting to form on my face but I didn't care. Outside our small world, a woman cried bitterly and wailed incomprehensible words. I wanted nothing more than to drown out her cries of agony and heartbreak because I was so afraid that mine would follow. That Kendall would follow her loved ones to that one place I couldn't reach him.

"Please Ken. Open your eyes." I begged.

"This isn't funny anymore Kenny." Carlos scolded. "You're lazy and it's not like you."

My gaze drifted toward the window, the sun's ray lit up a small patch of floor and sent a warped rainbow onto the back wall. Summer had finally come. For the first time in years though, I didn't care. My youngest brother wasn't around to enjoy it.

"Summer's here, Ken. You're missing out on all those girls and the surfing." I teased but the words felt hollow and strange on my tongue. "God listen to me. Talking about girls and the weather when my best friend is lying on a bed and hasn't moved in almost two weeks!"

I let go of Kendall's hands and clutched at my hair, struggling to hold back the sobs that gathered in my throat. Logan wrapped his skinny arms around my shoulders and pulled me against his chest, Carlos slipped his hand into mine.

"It's OK, Jamie. There's a theory that patients in a comas can hear what's going on around them. Maybe we're helping Kendall by talking about trivial things. It might be away to help him find his way back."

"I miss him. I miss him so damn much. How could someone do this? Drink himself into oblivion and then force Kendall off the road and into a tree! Jail's far too good for that monster."

Because that's all that drunk, soulless man would get. Jail. Life after prison. A future. Kendall's future got dimmer every passing second.

_Well I've been here all night  
and I'm watching you  
Breathe in and breathe out  
is it really you  
or just a machine  
that's giving you life?_

Click. Hiss. Whirl. Beep.

The constant mantra. My hopes, fears and sentence all in one room. A nurse bustled into the room and smiled sympathetically at us. We were a permanent fixture at Kendall's side and everyone knew us. She stepped closer to Kendall and fussed around with the IV feeds, catheters and whatever other piece of machinery they had inserted into Kendall. She frowned softly and my stomach dropped and my heart withered.

"What? What is it?" I demanded.

"I'll need to get Dr Harris." She replied and nearly sprinted away.

I turned to look at Kendall with those ever present tears stinging my eyes and the fear gripping at me.

"You're actually doing it, aren't you? You're actually going to leave us." I accused. "You can't leave us. We need you."

"He has a fever." Logan whimpered. "Damn."

"What does that mean?" Carlos dared to question.

"I think...it means...that the stab wound has probably gotten infected somehow..." Logan theorised.

The door opened against and Dr Harris stepped toward us, his face already grim. Usually the man had some sort of empty comfort to give us but today he barely even looked at us. Instead he pressed his hand to Kendall's wrist and flicked through his chart.

"Doc?" I asked. "Does Kendall have a fever?"

Dr Harris nodded. "Yeah, he does boys."

"What else?"

"...You should probably wait for his mother to arrive."

"NO! We're adults, tell us!"

Mama Knight chose that moment to sweep into the room and stalk straight toward her unconscious son. Tears sprang to her eyes within a heartbeat and she wove her hands into Kendall's hair. Katie hovered by the doorway until I opened my arms for her and she sprinted over to me.

"You have more bad news for us?" Mama Knight sounded so tired and resigned.

_If you fly away tonight  
I want to tell you that I love you  
I hope that you can hear me  
I hope that you can feel me  
If you fly away tonight  
I want to tell you that I'm sorry  
That I never told you  
When we were face to face_

"You're right. Kendall does have a fever, most likely from where the glass punctured his intestines. That can be fought with strong antibiotics. Our major concern is Kendall's head injury. He isn't making the progress we expected him to make. There has been...limited brain activity. And I-."

"You're trying to say he isn't going to wake up." Mama Knight whispered.

"His vitals have been growing weaker. I'm afraid it's only a matter of time."

Silence. His words seeped like a dirty, poisonous fog in my mind and all my nightmares are coming true. It's over. I've lost him. I've had my last conversation with him. Last pizza night. I'll never talk to him again. He'll never smile at me. We'll never make memories or be old, grumpy men together.

"No. No. No. No. No. No." Someone's chanting desperately over and over and over again.

Katie wrenched herself from my arms and threw herself over Kendall's chest, crying nosily.

"You can't go! Who's going to take care of me if you go? I love you!"

It broke my heart to see her so upset, hear her soul fracture. But as I looked around the room at my friends, my heart shattered into tiny pieces that blew away in the wind. I had never seen grief like that. The kind that captures a heart, a mind, a person and tears it apart. Something I had never wanted to feel or witness. The death of a brother, son, friend, saviour, _everything. _

"I'm going to take a chance that you can hear me. Can you hear what you're doing to us? Why won't you wake up? Are you really that selfish?" I whispered into his ear.

"James!" Logan scolded me.

"I just...DAMN IT! I don't know how to do this without you. I'm scared Kenny. I'm so scared. Wake up. Kendall please."

Beep.

"Just open your eyes. I'll do anything."

Beep.

"I'll...clean your room. Buy you a new car! You can have all the solos for the next year. Just don't die."

Beep.

"I love you."

Beeeeeeeeeeeep.

"NO!"_  
_

_And you taught me not,  
to take for granted  
the time that we have  
to show that we care  
Speak into their minds  
and their hearts  
While there here  
and say I love you_

Two months later.

"Pizza's here!" I called over the roar of friends. "Get out of the way!"

Camille made a wild grab for the box and I carefully side stepped her. She grumbled and curled back into Logan's side. Katie giggled and proceeded to beat Carlos at whatever play station game they were engrossed in. I folded myself down onto the carpet and pushed the box onto the small coffee table. Hands descended onto it immediately, tearing large chunks out of it. I sent a long glance toward the shut bedroom door and felt that familiar swirl of emotions inside my gut. The space at my side was empty.

"I love you guys." I confessed in a whisper.

Everyone heard me and their eyes returned my words. Kendall had taught us that much. Had shown me how to be better, taught me that it was OK to have emotions.

"I'll be right back." I informed them and crept toward Kendall's room.

I opened it slowly and the sight never failed to take my breath away and bring me to my knees. In the golden ray of sunlight Kendall turned to me with a crooked smile on his face and life in his eyes.

"What's up, dude? I was just coming out." He grinned.

He looked perfect. No sign of the reaper than almost stole him away from me. There are scars underneath his shirt and he won't get in a car anymore but those are small sacrifices for him. He quirked an eyebrow at me and crossed his arms over his chest.

"You OK, James?"

I pulled him into the safety of my arms and just clung onto him with everything in me. By now he was used to random moments of affection from all of us. Sometimes we had to hold him, touch him just to know everything was right. He was solid and breathing in my arms, pulsing with life and the promise of a future. He sighed and slipped his arms around my torso.

"I'm OK, Jamie." He promised.

"I had to make sure."

The feeling would never go away. I would always have to know where Kendall was. I would never stop worrying about him.

"I promise I'm fine."

"I love you Kendall."

I felt him smile.

"I love you too."

...

A/N-Originally, Kendall was going to die. But I couldn't do it.


	14. Broken Strings

A/N: Thank you for all those lovely, wonderful reviews/alerts/favourites. They continue to mean the world to me. Just wanted to say that I adore Jo's character and this is by no way an attack on her.

...

Big Time Rush.

Broken strings.

Kendall.

I saw the splinters between us long before anyone else did. Saw there was something different in her smile. Her eyes didn't shine as bright around me as they used to. Soon, even her kisses weren't the same. Up until that moment, I didn't know kisses could be hollow and mechanical. Like a chore. Jo made me feel like a chore, something she had to do even though she didn't want to. She stopped touching me; I started to miss the way her fingers fitted perfectly between mine. I forgot the way she laughed and could only remember the way she screamed at me. I never had like to shout at her, it reminded me too much of a past I could never out run. But Jo didn't have demons like mine; she screamed and cursed at me until I forgot how it felt when she said she loved me. We were falling, twisting and burning and we couldn't save each other because we couldn't save ourselves.

"I saw you Kendall with her!" Jo spat.

Just another day. Right on time. More accusations. Another label.

"Jo, I've told you a thousand times; Camille and I are just friends. I'm with you."

Jo snorted; an ugly sound that I never thought would come from her lips. I couldn't recognise this woman before me. The one who insulted me, mocked me, belittled me. My Jo had gotten lost somewhere along the line, slipped through my fingertips. I was starting to follow her, starting to fall through the cracks. I hadn't known true soul weary tiredness until this mess happened.

"Right, just friends. Just like you and Lucy. Face it Kendall, I know what you're doing."

"Stop bringing our friends into this. They've got nothing to do with it. I don't fancy Lucy or Camille and most of the time I don't even realise I'm looking at them."

That was the wrong thing to say; Jo's face coloured red and her nostrils flared. I took a subconscious step back and eyed the door. The guys would be back soon, I couldn't let them walk into this. They had already decided that Jo was going to break my heart and I would become a pathetic heap on the floor.

"I can't believe you Kendall. Three years we've been together and you're still looking at other women."

"I look but I don't touch, Jo. I'm sorry this upsets you so much."

"Don't you dare pity me Kendall Knight!"

"I'm not."

I moved sideways and at that exact moment the television remote rocketed passed my ear. Jo's hand was outstretched and her eyes blazed and fixed on where it had landed. It took me a moment to understand that I had been its intended target. My unpredicted movement had taken me out of its path. Jo had tried to hurt me. The one she claimed to love. I stared at her in wounded disbelief and felt my heart tremble inside.

"K-Kendall...I..."

"Get out." I ordered.

Jo blinked and shook her head. "No. We need to talk."

"I'm done talking. You aren't listening to me. Get out!"

The angel's face hardened to a devil's and her palm slapped across my face before I could even think. Pain blossomed across my cheekbone and stars erupted in front of my eye. I took everything in me to reign in my anger, hurt and humiliation and stare Jo down.

"I hate you. I wish I'd never met you Kendall."

Then she stormed away, leaving heart break and crushing disappointment behind her. Jo always did know how to carve out my heart.

People used to tell me all the time about love. That it was something special and wonderful. A necessity in life because everyone _had_ to love. I wrote songs about it, sung about it to crowds of teenage girls. It was supposed to make you feel warm, invincible, protected, valued, needed, cherished.

Love is supposed it be beautiful.

No one ever mentioned the darker side of love. How it can leave you worn out, abandoned, isolated, angry, frightened, broken. Like everything inside me is being stretched and mutilated. I didn't want love. I wanted to forget it ever existed. I pressed my pillow over my head and tried to ignore the _disease_ that still pumped through my veins. Love had brought me to my knees and in retaliation I had wrecked the apartment. I had ripped up books and over turned tables and I was fairly sure that I had broken a few plates. Anything to make the ache in my chest stop.

How had Jo done this to me?

My face still stung from the force of her slap and I had only added more pain when I had attacked the wall. Tears kept welling up in my eyes and I was losing the battle against them. I wanted to cry but couldn't allow myself to be broken so terribly.

"Kendall?" My little sister's voice was sweet, concerned and closer than I expected.

I burrowed deeper into my sheets and tugged the pillow down harder. Katie's hand danced down my spine and the bed dipped underneath her weight.

"What happened?" She questioned.

"...nothing."

She was silent for a long moment and I could hear anxious whispers at the door. The guys and mum have come home to a bomb site and a numb leader.

"Don't lie to me Kendall. Please talk to me."

"I can't." I confessed and brought my hand up closer to my eyes. "Please leave me alone."

"Why is the apartment trashed? Did you get mad?"

"You could say that. I really want to be alone, Katie. Just for a little while."

"All right." Katie finally conceded.

Her small hand pressed against my shoulder and the door clicked shut behind me. I did my best to ignore the voices that spoke to her when they thought I couldn't hear.

...

I pulled a face at the bathroom mirror and pressed my fingertip against the discoloured flesh. My cheek bone was a mess of purple, blue and red and the colours had even snaked up to my eye. I had no idea Jo could throw a punch like that. To be honest, I hadn't even thought that Jo could be capable of violence.

"Hey Kendall, hurry up! You've been in there forever. James is in the other bathroom and I really need to go." Carlos whined.

"One sec!" I called back.

They couldn't know that Jo had...done what she had to me. The humiliation was a thick tar inside me and the hurt was still much too raw. I felt ashamed and I didn't fully know why. I couldn't hide the bruise and ever since the incident with Barry in the lobby, the guys saw through me every time. Escaping out of the tiny window again would only cause more panic and chaos. I blew a wisp of hair out of my face and frowned. There was no way out of the bathroom without being seen.

Unless...

Hastily I ripped my phone out of my pocket and hurried through the contacts.

"Heya Kendall!" Camille answered warmly.

"Hi Camille. Listen, I need a favour."

This is wrong, a voice whispered in my ear. Tell the boys.

"Sure. What's up Ken?"

"I need you to create a distraction outside the apartment."

A pause. "Why?"

"Please, Millie."

"Fine. I'm on my way."

She hung up. Guiltily I had known that using my age and her nurturing side against her would work. She may love Logan but I had her wrapped around my finger too. I pressed my ear against the wood of the door and counted down the seconds until Camille's arrival. She appeared with a loud bang and a dreadful wail of 'LOGAN'. I heard Logan wrench the door open and start shushing her immediately. Carlos wandered away from the door and Camille kept crying like a banshee. James' voice sounded amused in the hum of words and I eased the bathroom door open. Everyone had their backs to me, no one turned around at my quiet footsteps on the kitchen tiles. That was until Camille happened to look up and catch my eye, she paled and I froze. Desperately I shook my head and pressed my finger against my lips. I knew she didn't like it but she didn't draw any more attention to me and I took the opportunity to run.

...

"What are you doing here, Dog?" Gustavo growled.

I startled and pressed my face harder into my hands, ignoring the throb of pain. When I had left the apartment I hadn't been able to stop moving. All I wanted was safety and a place where Jo wouldn't be. The recording studio had seemed the best place to go. I just hadn't planned on Gustavo actually being there. He towered over me as I sat on the couch and I was too tired to care. Kelly slipped down beside me and her gaze was burning concern on the side of my face.

"Are you OK Kendall?"

I nodded against my palms and took a shaky breath through my mouth. Kelly's hands ruffled my hair and usually I would have shaken her off but right now, she was compassion and strength. Someone who would never hurt me.

"Then go home." Gustavo ordered.

I can't, I wanted to cry. She's there. I don't know her anymore.

Kelly's arm tightened around me and she snapped at Gustavo. I felt myself lean against her but still couldn't let her see the mess of my face. A whimper escaped my lips and I felt immediately disgusted with myself. My boy curled up tighter and I buried my hands in my knees. If it was possible, Kelly's arm got tighter still and I could practically feel her concern.

"Talk to us." She begged. "We want to help you."

"I just...I'm...Fuck!" My voice cracked and my aggravation bled through every vowel. "Shit."

Gustavo's jeans groaned as he knelt down and I stilled at the large hand that wrapped around my wrist. His grip was surprisingly gentle but unrelenting; he fought me just as hard as I fought against him.

"Let me see Kendall."

Time stopped for a moment. I had no idea how Gustavo could have known and it just made everything more confusing. I shook my head and finally succeeded in prying my wrist free.

"No." I snarled.

"Kelly, I need to talk to Kendall alone. Call the rest of the Dogs and tell them he's safe. They're bound to have realised he's ditched them by now."

"But I..."

"Now Kelly!"

The assistant sighed and paced out of the room, I watched her leave through a gap in my fingers. Gustavo sat down on the floor at my knees and stared at me with a compassion I didn't know he had. Sometimes I forgot how worried he had been the last time I was sick. I forgot that in his own twisted way, he loved us.

"I'm guessing we've got ten minutes before the rest of the pack arrives. Anything you want to get off your chest before they get here?" Despite the sarcasm, he sounded so gentle and I was thrown.

"I..uhm...er...well..."

Gustavo took pity on me and shushed me. Everything was a muddle inside my head, a mess of fear, anger, confusion and shame. I wished that I could stop feeling for a moment so I could just think.

"OK, let's try again. Show me your face, let me see the damage."

I met his eyes through the gap in my fingers again and there was nothing but compassion, concern and love in his. Gustavo smiled, warm encouragement and very slowly I let my hands fall to my knees. But I still couldn't look up at him and I only grew more irritated at myself. Large fingers snaked underneath my chin and pulled my face up.

"Oh Kendall. Who did this?"

"No one."

"Don't lie to me Kendall. Try again."

"Just a random. I got mugged."

"Nice try. Stop protecting them. I just need to know you're safe. After all, none of us have forgotten the incident with that Barry bloke."

I flinched. "It's not like that this time. I'm in control of it."

"That's why you're hiding here. I'm going to bet that the rest of my Dogs haven't seen this?" He waved his hand at my cheek.

"No. I...no."

Gustavo huffed in exasperation and rubbed at his head. I twiddled my thumbs and plotted my escape route; down the fire escape seemed the best bet. They wouldn't be quick enough to follow me.

"How are things at home then? Mrs Knight doing OK?"

"Mum didn't do this to me." I defended angrily. "She'd never hurt me."

He held his hands up in surrender and rocked back on his heels. "Someone else then? Obviously not one of the band. They'd rather die than hurt you. Who then?"

I looked away stubbornly. "It was an accident. She didn't mean it."

"She?!"

I choked on a breath of air and suddenly cursed the slip of my tongue. What kind of man lets one slap affect him? Who would be on my side? Jo could call it self defence, say I raised my hand to her. After all, would it really be a surprise, knowing what my father was capable of? And the damage my uncontrollable anger could do.

"He! I meant he." I babbled.

The look on Gustavo's face told me he didn't believe a word from my mouth and his concern was growing at my obvious panic. Already my mouth was dry and my heart was beating too fast. I was tumbling into a trap I had fought with everything to escape from. I threw myself to my feet and lunged out of the door, Gustavo couldn't move fast enough to stop me. He tried to, he yelled and his hands almost managed to snag the fabric of my shirt. As the guys hurried around the corner with James leading, I pushed down on the bar on the fire door and tore down the ladder. I was down the street and around the corner before they were even at the door.

...

I ran through the lobby of the Palms Wood and ignored Katie when she called out to me. Other people yelled my name but I pretended I couldn't hear them. I thought I heard Jett's voice in the mix. The elevator was to slow and crowded so I took the steps three at a time and threw open the apartment door. Camille stood up as it banged shut behind me and I was so surprised to see her I couldn't even think of moving.

"Camille?"

"They told me to wait here in case you came back. They know you better than you think Kendall, we all do."

She moved away from the orange couch and crossed the floor toward me. I let her press her fingertips against my cheek and caress the damaged skin.

"I'm sorry I made you lie, Millie. I just needed to get out." I whispered.

"Silly boy, I'm always happy to help. You're one of my best friends Kendie, I don't tell you that enough."

I smiled at her and reached out to hold her small body against me. Her friendship helped to keep me tethered and she folded her arms protectively around my back.

"Thanks." I grinned. "You're pretty awesome too."

"But you can be so stupid sometimes and you forget you have all these people around who love you. Who want to help you."

"I know that."

She sighed and clutched me closer to her, her nose brushing against my neck. I didn't understand her sudden clinginess, she was usually so independent.

"I know you as much as I know my best friend. Jo told me what she did Kendall. Everything."

The air rushed out of me so fast it made me dizzy and only Camille's arms kept me stable. I couldn't grasp the words or make them make sense. I was waiting for Camille to laugh, tell me it was a joke and that she thought I was a monster.

"Everything?" I finally gasped.

"She's so guilty and I'm so cross with her. She had no right to say those things." She pulled back so she could touch my face again. "Or hurt you. Why didn't you say something?"

"I thought...I thought you wouldn't believe me. It was just the once and she..."

"Once is enough Kendall. No matter what you think of yourself you don't deserve it. We will always give you a chance to explain yourself."

It was too much to take in and I wrenched myself away from her. Her bright eyes were wet and moist and I was too close to the edge. I felt wrecked, ruined and tired and I had only hidden my torment for a day. The front door opened and my friends poured in. Camille and I must have been a sight, tearful and unable to hide our emotions. Logan's eyes lingered on Camille for a heart beat before landing on the evidence of Jo's anger. James stepped closer toward me and I walked into his arms and buried my face in his shirt. James' arms were strength, home and security and he let me try to hide in his chest.

"What's happened?" Logan asked.

"Kendall's got some things to talk to you about. I have to go find Jo." I peeked over my arm and watched her pause at the door. "Look after him guys. I'll wring necks if you upset him further."

The fiery actress swept away with a small sniff and suddenly everyone's attention was on me. James walked me over to the couch and lowered us both down onto it when I couldn't convince myself to let him go.

"We have been looking for you all day." Logan scolded. "We thought something terrible had happened."

"I'm sorry guys." I whispered.

James threaded his hand through my hair and hummed against my ear. Carlos curled up on the space beside me.

"Wanna tell us how you got that bruise?"

I took a huge inhale of breath and tried to find a way to fit the words on my tongue.

"Jo hit me."

James cradled my jaw in his hands and forced me to look up at him but I could barely meet his eyes.

"What?"

"We argued and I said something I shouldn't have. She got upset and she slapped me. I think I'm more surprised than anything."

Logan pushed James out of the way and studied me; I squashed down the urge to move away from his sudden closeness.

"She put a lot of force into this Kendie. Are you feeling OK? No headaches or blurred vision?"

"I'm OK. She could have done more damage when she threw the remote."

"WHAT?"

I bit my tongue and looked sheepishly at the ground. This time it was Carlos that got in my face, and inspected me with a care I couldn't convince myself I deserved.

"She threw the remote at you? Before or after she hit you?"

"Before. I told her to leave after she did and she...you know."

"Unbelievable! And instead of telling us what happened you spent the entire day avoiding us." Logan seethed. "Why didn't you tell us?"

"Because I couldn't! What if you thought that Jo acted in self defence and that I had tried to hurt her? It's not a big leap you know; everyone knows I have anger issues. Is it really so hard to believe that I could do something like that?"

"SHUT UP!" James screamed and the fear in his voice sobered me up at once. "God! Who did this to you? You make yourself sound like a nightmare and you're not. Kendall, you couldn't hurt Jo. I saw her in the lobby earlier and there's not a mark on her. She was smiling. How has she done this to you?"

A sob tore from my throat and shook my body, James' anger faded at once and I was sheltered in his arms.

"I'm sorry." I wept. "I wanted to come to you but...but..."

"But you're too damn proud to mention when you're hurt." James finished with a sigh and tucked my head underneath his chin. "One day you'll get it through your thick head that it's OK to need help."

I snuffled nosily and swallowed back a mouthful of mucus. Someone pushed a tissue underneath my nose softly and a hand walked through my hair.

"She said he hated me." I confessed brokenly. "I don't understand why."

"Only she knows why Kendie. Sometimes relationships just don't work out. Maybe...this is one of those times?"

He was trying to help me but Jo had always been my girl and the thought of losing her made the tears fall faster. James' hold on me was almost crushing my ribs and I kept trying to burrow into him. I wanted to be enough for her. Handsome enough. Clever enough. Good enough. But I wasn't. I didn't know how to be.

"Ssh, Kenny." Carlos soothed. "Everything's going to be OK."

Deep down inside I felt so numb and this time, the boy's weren't going to be enough. All the love in the world wouldn't heal that cracks I felt. The day turned to night and James bundled me toward the bedroom. My eyes were so heavy I could barely keep them open and I stumbled over my own feet. There was a snort of fond exasperation above me and another arm wrapped around my waist. I couldn't find the energy to protest as I was tucked into bed like a child. Logan smiled sadly and scrapped a wayward strand of hair behind my ear.

"I know it seems bad right now, Kendie. But everything will be OK. You'll see." He promised.

I didn't believe him.

...

"I'm sorry Kendall. Please." Jo wept nosily.

She sat opposite me on the couch, her face streaked with tears and mascara. She sounded so sincere and apologetic that a part of me wanted to believe her. But a louder voice in me kept asking how many times we would be here, one of us crying and the other baring a war wound. I looked down at my knees as Jo's cries increased in volume and tried to find the right words to say.

"Say something." Jo begged.

"It's OK." I whispered.

Jo threw herself into my arms and clutched at my shirt collar. I was...cold inside. My arms reacted on automatic and loosely folded themselves around her trembling body. I felt nothing for her apart from...regret.

We're finished.

"Oh thank you. Thank you. I swear, I'll never do anything like that again." Jo vowed. "I love you."

"...yeah...me too."

I'm so sorry. I can't tell you something that isn't real. Maybe I can learn to love again.


End file.
